My whole life, I've been convinced that I can never be thin, never have the body that I want, because I'm just "not meant to be that way," I "don't have that body type." Yes, I was at a normal weight in high school and had very muscular legs, but my arms were weak and my abs sucked. I had zero flexibility (still don't-working on that) and, while I loved playing soccer, I wasn't exactly the most athletic. Sure, I could run a mile, but it was slow. Most of my skill was in the power of my strong legs, I ignored the rest of my body. So I always felt pudgy, no matter how thin I was. I still had stomach fat, and I was still self conscious. Instead of working on it, going running more instead of only when I had to, instead of doing situps and pushups or other arm exercises, I just told myself that I just wasn't built to be thin, I would always have a bit of a gut and would never be able to do a pushup or pull-up. I'd never have a truly flat stomach and one of those bikini bodies that women would KILL for.
Now, I can do over 20 pushups, the modified kind, but still way more than I could do before. I'm working on getting myself out of the mindset that I'll never have the body I want, that I'll have to settle for just being a normal weight. But that's not what I want. No, I don't want to be skin and bones, I don't want you to be able to count my individual ribs, I don't care if my collar bones are visible, I want to be fit. I want to be that hot girl that others look at in envy instead of the chubby girl who looks on at them. I want to put on a bikini and look in the mirror and know that I look damn good. To wear the clothes that I want to wear instead of what's left on the rack that fits and doesn't look terrible. To have legs that can fit into riding boots. So many appearance related things that I want, but I also want to be fit. I want to be able to just run up a flight of stairs if I'm late to class, or to be able to lift that 250 lb patient without injuring myself. I want to be able to stand for hours without feeling like my feet are going to fall off. I want to wear heels again and not have my feet hurt within minutes of trying to hold up my large frame.
I want to be healthy, of course. I just want to be the hot girl for once instead of the one who sits in the corner with her hands over her stomach wishing she was someone else. I want to have the confidence to tell people how I feel, to be able to just pop up and be the life of the party. I don't have that right now. Every time I think about myself even talking to other people I picture some bumbling idiot. I freak out that I've said or done the wrong thing constantly, something that I can't help but feel would be more accepted in a thinner person. I want to feel like doing my hair and makeup is worth it again, I want to WANT to be noticed instead of wanting to be invisible. I know that a lot of the confidence has to come from within, but it's hard for me to not only be shy but to be overweight at the same time.
I have 2 lbs to go until I'm under 230 lbs for the first time since 2007. I want that two pounds gone YESTERDAY. I wish I'd been more motivated and more committed before. Yes, I lost 45 lbs over the last year, that's great, but I know I could have done better. If I hadn't been so depressed all the time I might not have binged (I'm over a week binge free right now and super happy about it). Now I have to get the motivation to add exercise back in. I do a bit of weight lifting, but I need to add in cardio. I want this weight to come off more quickly. I want to be my best by next summer, to be able to just wear shorts again and know I look good. This is my goal, and I am going to do it.
First mini goal? Wedding day weight- 212-215. I want to achieve this goal by September at the latest, preferably mid-August. I know I can do it. I just have to remind myself of that. I've started writing by hand in a personal journal, writing things that I just can't share on here. It's helping, I think. I got a lot of things out last night so I'm hoping to continue doing that as well as sharing with all of you <3
Friday, July 19, 2013
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Oh Yeah, I Have a Blog
Apparently I've been slacking. You'd think that'd be a good thing, but honestly I'm kind of drowning right now. I moved out on my own into a 2 bedroom townhouse about 3 miles from school. That part? Awesome. I'm less than 5 miles from Autumn and Laura and about 20 minutes from Danielle and little man.
Lots of people warned me that I'd be lonely living alone. And sometimes I am, sometimes I miss having someone to talk to every night. This is one of the AMAZING things about being an introvert-I thrive in an environment where I get time to myself. I don't have an issue being alone because being in huge crowds makes me nervous. All of my energy comes from solitude-reading a book and just relaxing. I can be myself when I'm alone, nobody can judge. I can crank up the radio and sing along or dance, there's nobody watching.
So, if living alone isn't the problem, what is? My confidence. I thought I had it all under control, that I was finally confident in who I am and who I want to be. But I'm not. Not by a long shot. I'm still 80 lbs over my low goal weight and 70 over my high goal weight-about 150-160 is my goal. My weight seems to define me right now and I get disgusted when I overeat. Sometimes, I don't eat. I wish I could say that it's always unintentional, and most of the time it is, but sometimes I thrive on having that self control. It's something I've always lacked. You see, I have a binge eating disorder, have for a long time, and have never managed to control it. Finally, now, I have the self control to not eat and a part of me wishes I could never eat again. Unlike most addicts (and this is a true addiction), I can't just quit the thing that I am addicted to. I can't walk away from it and never touch it again, you have to eat. Sure, I can walk away from the unhealthy food in theory, but sometimes people have no say over where they eat-whether it be because other people take them out or because someone cooks it in their home and it's rude to not eat someone's cooking, no matter how bad it is for you.
So you can see why going a day, two days, three days, as long as possible without eating is appealing. Breaking that addiction, learning to recognize being full, not bingeing. It's just not practical. Yes, there's the "starvation mode" myth, where your body will "totally hold onto fat and get rid of your muscle," but it's just not true. The other myth is that if you eat less than 1200 calories as a woman or 1500 as a man, your metabolism will slow. There's no scientific evidence of these magic numbers-for some people it may be no less than 2000, for others they may not have a number that they have to eat to have their metabolism go down. When I don't eat, I lose weight like crazy. I didn't eat much the past 5 days and lost 7 lbs, no magic number there and it wasn't intentional, it just happened, and it's dangerous. Seeing all of that weight come off so quickly makes me want to not eat longer, to see how many pounds I could lose if I didn't eat much for a week, a month, two months. Some days I just don't think about eating and it's amazing. Not having my life run by food for the first time in years. But at the same time, it's not healthy. I know this. But it doesn't stop the urge to try.
I need to learn to stop putting all of my self worth on my weight. I know that underneath all of the fat is a beautiful person just waiting to come out, but will losing the weight be enough? Doubtful. I was thin once and STILL had no confidence. I'm awkward, I talk too much, I'm annoying, all of these things I've been told over the years weigh on me and hold me back from being who I can be. I over think things, overanalyze, obsess even, and I don't know how to stop. I'm always trying to figure out what I did wrong, even if there's no evidence that I did anything wrong. In my mind, things could have been better if I'd just done _____. It doesn't matter if I did something amazing, like when I got my acceptance letters for nursing school, I wished that I'd applied for a Bachelor's program because this would ONLY be an Associate's. Or I wished I'd applied to PA schools or even med school because things might have been better if I had. I couldn't just sit back and go "holy shit, I got into one of the hardest undergrad programs in the nation to get into (nursing in general)." I had to find SOMETHING wrong with it. I don't know why I do this and I don't know how to stop. I think I'm so afraid of failure that I lead myself to it because if I don't try, I can't fail. At the same time, I'm afraid of success because if I succeed it means I did something right, and I feel like I never do anything right.
I try the "fake it til you make it" approach to confidence and it's great, in theory. I can talk a big game about how awesome I am, how laid back, how much fun I can be, but when it comes down to it my nerves and insecurities get in the way. I can't just sit back and relax, there's always something running through my mind that I should be doing instead, or how to do what I'm doing better. My brain never shuts off and I'm ready to cry because I just can't handle it sometimes. There's so many negative things I think about myself on a daily basis and only rarely do the positives come in. Sure, I say them. I tell people that I'm awesome, but it's all a show. I figure if I pretend to be confident it'll make people think that I am, but on the inside I'm miserable and thinking of how my thigh is currently the same circumference that my waist was in high school or how my double chin shows up in pictures. For every "selfie" I post on Facebook there's about 15 others that I didn't post because I was trying to get it perfect, make my face look as appealing and thin as possible and to avoid having my arms in the picture because they are a source of insecurity.
Now my question is, how do I stop faking and start believing? It feels like all around me everyone is confident and I'm just sitting here only seeing the bad in myself. It sucks.
Lots of people warned me that I'd be lonely living alone. And sometimes I am, sometimes I miss having someone to talk to every night. This is one of the AMAZING things about being an introvert-I thrive in an environment where I get time to myself. I don't have an issue being alone because being in huge crowds makes me nervous. All of my energy comes from solitude-reading a book and just relaxing. I can be myself when I'm alone, nobody can judge. I can crank up the radio and sing along or dance, there's nobody watching.
So, if living alone isn't the problem, what is? My confidence. I thought I had it all under control, that I was finally confident in who I am and who I want to be. But I'm not. Not by a long shot. I'm still 80 lbs over my low goal weight and 70 over my high goal weight-about 150-160 is my goal. My weight seems to define me right now and I get disgusted when I overeat. Sometimes, I don't eat. I wish I could say that it's always unintentional, and most of the time it is, but sometimes I thrive on having that self control. It's something I've always lacked. You see, I have a binge eating disorder, have for a long time, and have never managed to control it. Finally, now, I have the self control to not eat and a part of me wishes I could never eat again. Unlike most addicts (and this is a true addiction), I can't just quit the thing that I am addicted to. I can't walk away from it and never touch it again, you have to eat. Sure, I can walk away from the unhealthy food in theory, but sometimes people have no say over where they eat-whether it be because other people take them out or because someone cooks it in their home and it's rude to not eat someone's cooking, no matter how bad it is for you.
So you can see why going a day, two days, three days, as long as possible without eating is appealing. Breaking that addiction, learning to recognize being full, not bingeing. It's just not practical. Yes, there's the "starvation mode" myth, where your body will "totally hold onto fat and get rid of your muscle," but it's just not true. The other myth is that if you eat less than 1200 calories as a woman or 1500 as a man, your metabolism will slow. There's no scientific evidence of these magic numbers-for some people it may be no less than 2000, for others they may not have a number that they have to eat to have their metabolism go down. When I don't eat, I lose weight like crazy. I didn't eat much the past 5 days and lost 7 lbs, no magic number there and it wasn't intentional, it just happened, and it's dangerous. Seeing all of that weight come off so quickly makes me want to not eat longer, to see how many pounds I could lose if I didn't eat much for a week, a month, two months. Some days I just don't think about eating and it's amazing. Not having my life run by food for the first time in years. But at the same time, it's not healthy. I know this. But it doesn't stop the urge to try.
I need to learn to stop putting all of my self worth on my weight. I know that underneath all of the fat is a beautiful person just waiting to come out, but will losing the weight be enough? Doubtful. I was thin once and STILL had no confidence. I'm awkward, I talk too much, I'm annoying, all of these things I've been told over the years weigh on me and hold me back from being who I can be. I over think things, overanalyze, obsess even, and I don't know how to stop. I'm always trying to figure out what I did wrong, even if there's no evidence that I did anything wrong. In my mind, things could have been better if I'd just done _____. It doesn't matter if I did something amazing, like when I got my acceptance letters for nursing school, I wished that I'd applied for a Bachelor's program because this would ONLY be an Associate's. Or I wished I'd applied to PA schools or even med school because things might have been better if I had. I couldn't just sit back and go "holy shit, I got into one of the hardest undergrad programs in the nation to get into (nursing in general)." I had to find SOMETHING wrong with it. I don't know why I do this and I don't know how to stop. I think I'm so afraid of failure that I lead myself to it because if I don't try, I can't fail. At the same time, I'm afraid of success because if I succeed it means I did something right, and I feel like I never do anything right.
I try the "fake it til you make it" approach to confidence and it's great, in theory. I can talk a big game about how awesome I am, how laid back, how much fun I can be, but when it comes down to it my nerves and insecurities get in the way. I can't just sit back and relax, there's always something running through my mind that I should be doing instead, or how to do what I'm doing better. My brain never shuts off and I'm ready to cry because I just can't handle it sometimes. There's so many negative things I think about myself on a daily basis and only rarely do the positives come in. Sure, I say them. I tell people that I'm awesome, but it's all a show. I figure if I pretend to be confident it'll make people think that I am, but on the inside I'm miserable and thinking of how my thigh is currently the same circumference that my waist was in high school or how my double chin shows up in pictures. For every "selfie" I post on Facebook there's about 15 others that I didn't post because I was trying to get it perfect, make my face look as appealing and thin as possible and to avoid having my arms in the picture because they are a source of insecurity.
Now my question is, how do I stop faking and start believing? It feels like all around me everyone is confident and I'm just sitting here only seeing the bad in myself. It sucks.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Making Positive Changes
Last night, I decided to start making positive changes in my life. I had dinner and went shopping with a friend, who is helping me to unleash my girly side and learn how to use makeup better. I applied to rent a gorgeous apartment and now I'm just waiting on a phone call to let me know if I got it or not. And most of all, I decided to really start to focus on exercise since I've, for the most part, gotten my eating under control.
I was all set to go out and walk/run for 5 seconds before I got winded and felt like death, but huge thunderstorms rolled in. Normally, I would have taken this as a sign that I wasn't meant to exercise that night because obviously exercise is the devil. Instead, I chose to focus on toning instead of cardio. I grabbed my hand weights and did different arm and chest exercises and then I did a bunch of lunges and squats. I hurt so badly today, but after looking at a picture of myself that was taken this afternoon to show my friends a dress that I really like, it's very worth it. I have lost 40 lbs in the past year, which is amazing, but haven't done much to tone or build muscle-a big mistake. I could look better than I do right now, so I'm going to do it.
My friends and I are going to start Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred tonight. I've already done some arm, chest, and butt moves in addition to this and really hope to lose inches by my birthday. I don't know how many, and I don't know how many pounds I can lose during this, but I'm confident that between working out and watching what I eat through doing Weight Watchers I can look even better by then. My biggest spots that I dislike are my legs, which I've always disliked, my arms-casually referred to as "bingo wings," and my waist. I have the dreaded "love handles." I've always had a slight indentation between my abdomen and my thighs, but it's very pronounced when I gain weight. I thought when I was a teenager that it meant that I was fat when it was really just the flare of my pelvis. I accept this now, but with the addition of layers of fat over it, it looks strange and I don't like it. I want to get rid of this fat.
I want my athletic, toned body that I had as a teenager back. Yeah, I didn't have visible abs, yes I had some excess fat, but I was strong. I didn't appreciate all that my body could do back then and I didn't take care of it. I can't go back and fix it, but I can change it for the future. I can get that muscle back and tone it even better, I can get back to a point where I can run a couple of miles. I might not be the fastest but that's not what it's about-it's about my health. Activity is associated with better mental health in general and can reduce the risk of relapse in bipolar disorder. Activity helps you feel better about yourself, and that's what I need. I'll screw up, I'll skip days, I know this. But I need to do it. I need to build my body confidence up and to think of all of the amazing things it can do.
Today starts a new day of becoming athletic. It's going to be hard, it's going to hurt (already does), but amazing things come out of the pain. It's just a matter of getting there.
I was all set to go out and walk/run for 5 seconds before I got winded and felt like death, but huge thunderstorms rolled in. Normally, I would have taken this as a sign that I wasn't meant to exercise that night because obviously exercise is the devil. Instead, I chose to focus on toning instead of cardio. I grabbed my hand weights and did different arm and chest exercises and then I did a bunch of lunges and squats. I hurt so badly today, but after looking at a picture of myself that was taken this afternoon to show my friends a dress that I really like, it's very worth it. I have lost 40 lbs in the past year, which is amazing, but haven't done much to tone or build muscle-a big mistake. I could look better than I do right now, so I'm going to do it.
My friends and I are going to start Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred tonight. I've already done some arm, chest, and butt moves in addition to this and really hope to lose inches by my birthday. I don't know how many, and I don't know how many pounds I can lose during this, but I'm confident that between working out and watching what I eat through doing Weight Watchers I can look even better by then. My biggest spots that I dislike are my legs, which I've always disliked, my arms-casually referred to as "bingo wings," and my waist. I have the dreaded "love handles." I've always had a slight indentation between my abdomen and my thighs, but it's very pronounced when I gain weight. I thought when I was a teenager that it meant that I was fat when it was really just the flare of my pelvis. I accept this now, but with the addition of layers of fat over it, it looks strange and I don't like it. I want to get rid of this fat.
I want my athletic, toned body that I had as a teenager back. Yeah, I didn't have visible abs, yes I had some excess fat, but I was strong. I didn't appreciate all that my body could do back then and I didn't take care of it. I can't go back and fix it, but I can change it for the future. I can get that muscle back and tone it even better, I can get back to a point where I can run a couple of miles. I might not be the fastest but that's not what it's about-it's about my health. Activity is associated with better mental health in general and can reduce the risk of relapse in bipolar disorder. Activity helps you feel better about yourself, and that's what I need. I'll screw up, I'll skip days, I know this. But I need to do it. I need to build my body confidence up and to think of all of the amazing things it can do.
Today starts a new day of becoming athletic. It's going to be hard, it's going to hurt (already does), but amazing things come out of the pain. It's just a matter of getting there.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Body Shaming and its Effects on the Rest of Your Life
In this image, I was almost 17 years old, 5'6" tall, and around 155 lbs. I wore a size 4/5 consistently and sometimes even a 3. And I was told I was fat. By an adult. See how my shorts are awkwardly bunched in the front? Those shorts are a 2XL because my coach, who will remain nameless, bullied me into thinking I was too fat for the size that actually would fit-a medium. He tried to bully me out of the large size shirt I am wearing in the picture but I stood my ground on that one because my soccer number was 17 and I wasn't giving that up to wear what he deemed more acceptable. This 40-something man decided to bully a 17 year old girl, and I let him.
Now, it needs to be said that this man would either bully you, ignore you, or sexually harass you. Several other girls on the team were called "big girls" by him, one even developing an eating disorder, while others were flirted with and even pulled onto his lap and tickled. Eventually, he was reported, but the effects of his abuse are long lasting. I have major body image issues-I look in the mirror and see someone disgusting, someone with huge fat rolls that nobody could ever find attractive. If I see a picture of my face, I'm looking to see if I have a double chin. If it's full body? Do I look like I have cankles? Is my shirt too tight? It's hard to get past things like this, hard enough when it's your peers who are making fun of you, that's to be expected. But when it's an adult, someone who should advocate against bullying and help teens grow up with healthy self image and confidence? It makes it so much worse.
I actually know why this man bullied me. His own lack of self worth based on sports in high school created a situation where he had to feel superior. Why was I a target? I wasn't even that good, I just played because I loved it. The simple answer is: my dad. They went to school together and while my dad was on varsity teams as a freshman and sophomore, my coach went through like the typical athlete: JV in 9th and 10th grade and Varsity in 11th and 12th. Dad played two of the same sports as this man and, instead of accepting that people can be better than you in sports (heck, no matter how good you are there's always going to be someone better somewhere), he chose to harbor a resentment. Instead of acting like a man and getting over what he deemed to be slights? He took them out on me. He would tell me that I was fat, not good enough, couldn't kick the ball accurately, and other forms of verbal abuse.
But I chose to stick it out. That was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done-sticking to something I loved despite the fact that I was being abused. There was even a point where I chose to fake an injury (and subsequently actually injure myself, causing permanent damage to my left knee) just to avoid the embarrassment in not playing during senior night in my senior year. Over the course of my soccer "career" I think I played a total of 30 minutes per year for the outdoor team. But that's okay, I know I'm not the best player in the world, I just love the sport. I played indoor soccer with the guys under an amazing coach (as well as my dad after the first year or so) and it was so much more fun. There was no "you're fat" drama, just a fun time playing the sport I love. I went on to be the assistant coach under my dad for the boys team that my brother played on and had a blast. I learned to be a better player, a smarter player, and how to just have fun without being self conscious that my shorts were too short or tight.
Despite my positive experiences outside of the JV and Varsity teams, I still have that pang of not being good enough. The desire for a totally flat stomach and stick thin legs that "look good" in shorts. I still see pictures of how I looked back then and find flaws. I was afraid to wear shorts, tube tops, tank tops, swimsuits, and any type of skirt because my "huge legs" would be made fun of. Even now I don't wear shorts or skirts and my biggest self consciousness comes from my lower body. I let him win for so long, let his taunts and comments get to me. This adult, who in his 40s chose to pick on a 14-17 year old girl because he was jealous of her father, destroyed my self confidence. Yes, I got crap from my peers, but that somewhat subsided when I had a growth spurt after 8th grade. The biggest influence on my body image issues was a coach, a teacher, someone who should have been watching out for me. I think that's what made it so hard to get over.
Telling People
How do you tell people that you're getting divorced? That yes, you get along with your soon to be ex-spouse, but things just aren't going to work out for various reasons. That he'll always be one of your best friends and you'll always love him, just not romantically.
It's a hard thing to do. Most of the time when people hear the "D" word, they are hearing it accompanied by negatives about the spouse they aren't talking to. Are there negatives? Of course. About both of us. We've both shocked people with the news, many of them not knowing what to say. At a restaurant last week we were teasing each other about who would pay and the cashier asked if we were married. My immediate response was "no, divorcing." She looked at me like I was crazy and her response was that we get along so well so I was obviously joking. It's funny to me that divorce has such a negative connotation and that you can't possibly have tried to work things out because you're still smiling and laughing with each other.
Our fights have decreased significantly since deciding to separate/divorce. We don't have the stress of trying to make each other happy anymore and we're free to do whatever we want to do. I can go out to the bar on a Friday night with my friends and not worry about whether he'll be mad at me and he can do whatever he wants to without worrying that I had already made plans for us. He can sit and watch football/talk about football/read about football all day and it has no effect on me or what I want to do. We still hang out, sit and watch tv together, and go to dinner sometimes, but there's no pressure to please each other. All of this is such a relief after the past four years since the issues started. I'm glad we ended things when we did instead of continuing on the miserable path we were on. That we can continue to be friends instead of just civil to each other at best. Instead of fighting over who gets what movies, we figured out which ones obviously belonged to each of us (ex. Disney=me, sci-fi=him) and then with any that were contested, we put them out in the middle of the floor and took turns picking which ones we wanted. There weren't any arguments even though I know I got ones he wanted and he got ones I wanted because it was done fairly.
So now I'm moving out. Starting my new adventure as a single woman. Getting my own apartment close to school and working hard to get through nursing school with no drama (or as little as possible). I won't have to worry about the 45 minute drive at 7:00am, hoping that I make it to my 8:00 class/clinical on time. I won't have to worry about saving gas on a Friday evening instead of going to meet with a study group. I'll be able to have a life, to see my friends, and to just enjoy the last two years before starting my career in a way that I couldn't while I was married and living 45 minutes away. I need to go out, to be young, to have fun. I can get involved with things on campus because I don't have to worry about the cost of gas or making it home by 9:00pm so I can get to bed to be up on time to leave in the morning. I'll have more time to study while still having time to go out and have fun.
I'm not going to lie-I'm terrified of this new adventure. This is the first time in almost 9 years I've been single-it's scary. As I've been saying for over a week, it's time to learn to love myself. I think that getting my own place and spending more time on things that I love is the key to this. I'll make mistakes, who doesn't, but I'm working hard to realize that this can go one of two ways: 1) I can pity myself and spend the next two years sad and lonely, or 2) I can do everything I can to enjoy the time that I'll have by myself, the experiences I'll have in nursing school, and the friends that I already have and will make. I can enjoy being single for the first time in my life, enjoy not having to answer to anyone but myself.
I choose to enjoy. To finish out my 20s strong, healthy, and happy. To start taking walks at night and eventually turn those walks into runs. I'm putting myself first for the first time in my life and it feels good.
It's a hard thing to do. Most of the time when people hear the "D" word, they are hearing it accompanied by negatives about the spouse they aren't talking to. Are there negatives? Of course. About both of us. We've both shocked people with the news, many of them not knowing what to say. At a restaurant last week we were teasing each other about who would pay and the cashier asked if we were married. My immediate response was "no, divorcing." She looked at me like I was crazy and her response was that we get along so well so I was obviously joking. It's funny to me that divorce has such a negative connotation and that you can't possibly have tried to work things out because you're still smiling and laughing with each other.
Our fights have decreased significantly since deciding to separate/divorce. We don't have the stress of trying to make each other happy anymore and we're free to do whatever we want to do. I can go out to the bar on a Friday night with my friends and not worry about whether he'll be mad at me and he can do whatever he wants to without worrying that I had already made plans for us. He can sit and watch football/talk about football/read about football all day and it has no effect on me or what I want to do. We still hang out, sit and watch tv together, and go to dinner sometimes, but there's no pressure to please each other. All of this is such a relief after the past four years since the issues started. I'm glad we ended things when we did instead of continuing on the miserable path we were on. That we can continue to be friends instead of just civil to each other at best. Instead of fighting over who gets what movies, we figured out which ones obviously belonged to each of us (ex. Disney=me, sci-fi=him) and then with any that were contested, we put them out in the middle of the floor and took turns picking which ones we wanted. There weren't any arguments even though I know I got ones he wanted and he got ones I wanted because it was done fairly.
So now I'm moving out. Starting my new adventure as a single woman. Getting my own apartment close to school and working hard to get through nursing school with no drama (or as little as possible). I won't have to worry about the 45 minute drive at 7:00am, hoping that I make it to my 8:00 class/clinical on time. I won't have to worry about saving gas on a Friday evening instead of going to meet with a study group. I'll be able to have a life, to see my friends, and to just enjoy the last two years before starting my career in a way that I couldn't while I was married and living 45 minutes away. I need to go out, to be young, to have fun. I can get involved with things on campus because I don't have to worry about the cost of gas or making it home by 9:00pm so I can get to bed to be up on time to leave in the morning. I'll have more time to study while still having time to go out and have fun.
I'm not going to lie-I'm terrified of this new adventure. This is the first time in almost 9 years I've been single-it's scary. As I've been saying for over a week, it's time to learn to love myself. I think that getting my own place and spending more time on things that I love is the key to this. I'll make mistakes, who doesn't, but I'm working hard to realize that this can go one of two ways: 1) I can pity myself and spend the next two years sad and lonely, or 2) I can do everything I can to enjoy the time that I'll have by myself, the experiences I'll have in nursing school, and the friends that I already have and will make. I can enjoy being single for the first time in my life, enjoy not having to answer to anyone but myself.
I choose to enjoy. To finish out my 20s strong, healthy, and happy. To start taking walks at night and eventually turn those walks into runs. I'm putting myself first for the first time in my life and it feels good.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Self Acceptance and Being Thin
For the longest time I've gauged my self worth based on my weight. If I was just thinner that guy wouldn't have turned me down for a date, if I was thinner I'd have more friends, if I was thinner maybe I could start running or playing soccer again. There's a lot of privilege in our society for being thin. The thinner girls have an easier time finding clothes that fit at an affordable price- a pair of size 6 jeans at Old Navy will cost about $35-40 on average while the same exact jeans in a size 20 will cost $40-50 and are "exclusively" online. Only recently have stores like Torrid appeared that offer trendy clothing for plus sized women, allowing plus sized teens and 20-somethings to wear the same clothes as their peers.
Each year magazines like Star and People publish the "good vs. bad beach body issues." These publications glorify fat shaming, putting celebrities with extremely thin bodies on the good side while heavier people get put on the bad side. There are so many examples of beautiful women being shamed, most notably Tyra Banks and Jennifer Love Hewitt. What message does this send to our girls? If you don't have this perfect modelesque body that is not even close to being representative of the normal population in America, you are worthless and shouldn't ever wear a swimsuit. And that's the message I've taken. I'm terrified to go to a pool or water park for being judged for my body. Terrified to wear shorts because there might be comments on how fat my thighs are. I can't even go to a restaurant and feel comfortable ordering food that I like because I know that the comments exist of "look at her ordering that meal with a DIET Coke." As if my preference for the taste of diet is outweighed by the food that I eat. Not only do I prefer the taste, but I prefer to not drink my calories. Yes, it's somewhat counterproductive, but each 150-200 calorie can of regular soda I don't drink is 150-200 calories I'm saving for the day. I drink a lot of soda and can only imagine the number of calories I'd take in if I drank regular just because it's "ludicrous" to drink diet with fast food.
I don't eat terribly when I go out-I'll get chicken nuggets and fries or just a burger at McDonalds, I generally keep my meals under about 700 calories when I go out and while I order the 10 piece meal to save money, I tend to only eat 5 of them and save the rest for later. Yet I am judged more than the "normal weight" person who orders the Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese meal large sized with a full calorie drink because I'm overweight and therefore unhealthy. If I decide to have a treat like a cookie, I'm looked at like "well she sure doesn't need that" even if I'm within my Weight Watchers points for the day or at a very low number of calories. And heaven forbid I eat a salad because obviously I'm only doing it to lose weight and not because I genuinely desired salad that day. Because of consistent weight shaming from my peers since I was a child, I absolutely hate eating in front of people. I will cover my mouth while I chew and tend to pick at my food (though I really don't eat a lot in one sitting-I tend to graze more than anything) because I don't want to be judged as a pig for eating the way I want to. Even friends and family do this, trying to look out for me. If I want a second slice of pizza, I'm sometimes too ashamed to get one and I never go for seconds on anything until someone else has because I don't want to be "that fat girl trying to eat all of the food." What people might not know is that I didn't eat lunch that day in anticipation of enjoying that second slice of pizza or that piece of pie. I know that people think that they're doing what is best but it shames me into feeling that I'm not allowed to eat like everyone else because I'm fat. While my normal weight friends and family can eat 3 slices or more, I get the looks-maybe subconscious, maybe not-like "she doesn't need that" when I have 2.
Our society tends to think that overweight=unhealthy and normal weight=healthy, which is patently false. I know people who are at a normal weight who have hypertension, type 2 diabetes, and other diseases that tend to be associated with weight while I have only one thing that could potentially be weight related but occurs in many thin people as well, PCOS. But if a thin person walked into the doctor's office with their normal BP being 140/90, the doctors/nurses would question it. If I walk in with the same thing and comment that it's high, I've gotten comments that "no, that's perfectly normal in someone your size." My normal BP is 110/70 or slightly lower. My cholesterol ratio is perfect.
I've had physicians deny that I have asthma because obviously my trouble breathing when I run is weight related, despite having the issues since I was at a normal weight and the issue subsiding when I use an inhaler. I've had doctors and physical therapists tell me that my knee issues would subside or dramatically lesson if I lost weight even though my knees are DEFORMED and it's a consistent bone on bone issue. Even at a normal weight at the high end of the ridiculous BMI scale, I was told that losing weight and strengthening my muscles would "fix" the problem. This was at a point in time when I could press over 300 lbs consistently with my legs and was athletic. Obviously losing weight will miraculously cure a congenital defect.
And this doesn't even begin to touch the surface of the issue. I absolutely dread getting on an airplane or other form of public transportation. I've gotten the dirty looks from normal weight people because I'm fat. The look of disgust that they have to share a row with me and I'll take up their space. I do everything I can to not even take up my entire seat just so that these assholes are comfortable. The dirty looks you're given in public if you even try to go for a walk or run because you have parts that jiggle. I've gotten comments walking down the street about how fat I am and even pulled away from doing something I love, playing soccer, because people would mumble under their breath about the fatty at best and yell it at me at the worst. Yes, I play this off, joke around about how fat I am and how they should tell me something I don't know about myself, but it hurts. Terribly. I hate feeling like my entire worth in society is based on my weight. I hate that I can't just roll out of bed in the morning and go to class in sweats like my thinner counterparts because while they are looked at as cute and comfortable, I'm looked at as fat and slovenly. While tank tops and jeans are looked at as cute on thinner girls, bigger girls hear comments about how slutty they are because yes, it's hard not to have your breasts show in anything other than a turtleneck if you are large chested. But how is this fair? I hate wearing anything that isn't long sleeved because of my "bingo arms." I wear sweatshirts that are 3-4 sizes too big because I fear being mocked if something is too tight and I'm afraid to wear anything trendy because I know that comments are made about bigger girls wearing them-I've even been guilty of this. I'm so self conscious about my own body that I've made comments about other girls. It has to stop.
I have to admit that part of my drive to lose the weight is this societal push for all women to be thin and therefore beautiful. While a man can walk around with a few extra pounds, women are mocked for them and the media doesn't help. I want to get healthy-to be able to run a mile or two without issue, to play soccer again and get my muscle tone back. There are plenty of "big girls" with healthy strong bodies and plenty of "small girls" with high fat content. The BMI scale is a crock of shit and is insanely two dimensional, it doesn't take into account muscle mass or fat content, yet it is what the medical field bases everything on. If you have a "normal" BMI, you are healthy and if you don't, you are unhealthy. Period. It doesn't matter that the normal weight girl might eat a diet high in fried fatty foods and the higher weight girl eats a lot of vegetables and lean protein, the only number that matters is what shows up on the scale. So yes, I'm trying to lose weight. But now I realize that the right reason to do it isn't so that guys will think I'm attractive or so that I can eat without judgement, but instead to be healthy and to like how I look. If someone doesn't like me because I'm fat? Their loss. I have so much more to offer the world than outer beauty. Maybe someday the rest of the world will catch up to this thinking and it will be realized that all people are beautiful in some way. An idealistic way of thinking which will never happen as long as we only look at numbers on a scale or a chart.
Each year magazines like Star and People publish the "good vs. bad beach body issues." These publications glorify fat shaming, putting celebrities with extremely thin bodies on the good side while heavier people get put on the bad side. There are so many examples of beautiful women being shamed, most notably Tyra Banks and Jennifer Love Hewitt. What message does this send to our girls? If you don't have this perfect modelesque body that is not even close to being representative of the normal population in America, you are worthless and shouldn't ever wear a swimsuit. And that's the message I've taken. I'm terrified to go to a pool or water park for being judged for my body. Terrified to wear shorts because there might be comments on how fat my thighs are. I can't even go to a restaurant and feel comfortable ordering food that I like because I know that the comments exist of "look at her ordering that meal with a DIET Coke." As if my preference for the taste of diet is outweighed by the food that I eat. Not only do I prefer the taste, but I prefer to not drink my calories. Yes, it's somewhat counterproductive, but each 150-200 calorie can of regular soda I don't drink is 150-200 calories I'm saving for the day. I drink a lot of soda and can only imagine the number of calories I'd take in if I drank regular just because it's "ludicrous" to drink diet with fast food.
I don't eat terribly when I go out-I'll get chicken nuggets and fries or just a burger at McDonalds, I generally keep my meals under about 700 calories when I go out and while I order the 10 piece meal to save money, I tend to only eat 5 of them and save the rest for later. Yet I am judged more than the "normal weight" person who orders the Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese meal large sized with a full calorie drink because I'm overweight and therefore unhealthy. If I decide to have a treat like a cookie, I'm looked at like "well she sure doesn't need that" even if I'm within my Weight Watchers points for the day or at a very low number of calories. And heaven forbid I eat a salad because obviously I'm only doing it to lose weight and not because I genuinely desired salad that day. Because of consistent weight shaming from my peers since I was a child, I absolutely hate eating in front of people. I will cover my mouth while I chew and tend to pick at my food (though I really don't eat a lot in one sitting-I tend to graze more than anything) because I don't want to be judged as a pig for eating the way I want to. Even friends and family do this, trying to look out for me. If I want a second slice of pizza, I'm sometimes too ashamed to get one and I never go for seconds on anything until someone else has because I don't want to be "that fat girl trying to eat all of the food." What people might not know is that I didn't eat lunch that day in anticipation of enjoying that second slice of pizza or that piece of pie. I know that people think that they're doing what is best but it shames me into feeling that I'm not allowed to eat like everyone else because I'm fat. While my normal weight friends and family can eat 3 slices or more, I get the looks-maybe subconscious, maybe not-like "she doesn't need that" when I have 2.
Our society tends to think that overweight=unhealthy and normal weight=healthy, which is patently false. I know people who are at a normal weight who have hypertension, type 2 diabetes, and other diseases that tend to be associated with weight while I have only one thing that could potentially be weight related but occurs in many thin people as well, PCOS. But if a thin person walked into the doctor's office with their normal BP being 140/90, the doctors/nurses would question it. If I walk in with the same thing and comment that it's high, I've gotten comments that "no, that's perfectly normal in someone your size." My normal BP is 110/70 or slightly lower. My cholesterol ratio is perfect.
I've had physicians deny that I have asthma because obviously my trouble breathing when I run is weight related, despite having the issues since I was at a normal weight and the issue subsiding when I use an inhaler. I've had doctors and physical therapists tell me that my knee issues would subside or dramatically lesson if I lost weight even though my knees are DEFORMED and it's a consistent bone on bone issue. Even at a normal weight at the high end of the ridiculous BMI scale, I was told that losing weight and strengthening my muscles would "fix" the problem. This was at a point in time when I could press over 300 lbs consistently with my legs and was athletic. Obviously losing weight will miraculously cure a congenital defect.
And this doesn't even begin to touch the surface of the issue. I absolutely dread getting on an airplane or other form of public transportation. I've gotten the dirty looks from normal weight people because I'm fat. The look of disgust that they have to share a row with me and I'll take up their space. I do everything I can to not even take up my entire seat just so that these assholes are comfortable. The dirty looks you're given in public if you even try to go for a walk or run because you have parts that jiggle. I've gotten comments walking down the street about how fat I am and even pulled away from doing something I love, playing soccer, because people would mumble under their breath about the fatty at best and yell it at me at the worst. Yes, I play this off, joke around about how fat I am and how they should tell me something I don't know about myself, but it hurts. Terribly. I hate feeling like my entire worth in society is based on my weight. I hate that I can't just roll out of bed in the morning and go to class in sweats like my thinner counterparts because while they are looked at as cute and comfortable, I'm looked at as fat and slovenly. While tank tops and jeans are looked at as cute on thinner girls, bigger girls hear comments about how slutty they are because yes, it's hard not to have your breasts show in anything other than a turtleneck if you are large chested. But how is this fair? I hate wearing anything that isn't long sleeved because of my "bingo arms." I wear sweatshirts that are 3-4 sizes too big because I fear being mocked if something is too tight and I'm afraid to wear anything trendy because I know that comments are made about bigger girls wearing them-I've even been guilty of this. I'm so self conscious about my own body that I've made comments about other girls. It has to stop.
I have to admit that part of my drive to lose the weight is this societal push for all women to be thin and therefore beautiful. While a man can walk around with a few extra pounds, women are mocked for them and the media doesn't help. I want to get healthy-to be able to run a mile or two without issue, to play soccer again and get my muscle tone back. There are plenty of "big girls" with healthy strong bodies and plenty of "small girls" with high fat content. The BMI scale is a crock of shit and is insanely two dimensional, it doesn't take into account muscle mass or fat content, yet it is what the medical field bases everything on. If you have a "normal" BMI, you are healthy and if you don't, you are unhealthy. Period. It doesn't matter that the normal weight girl might eat a diet high in fried fatty foods and the higher weight girl eats a lot of vegetables and lean protein, the only number that matters is what shows up on the scale. So yes, I'm trying to lose weight. But now I realize that the right reason to do it isn't so that guys will think I'm attractive or so that I can eat without judgement, but instead to be healthy and to like how I look. If someone doesn't like me because I'm fat? Their loss. I have so much more to offer the world than outer beauty. Maybe someday the rest of the world will catch up to this thinking and it will be realized that all people are beautiful in some way. An idealistic way of thinking which will never happen as long as we only look at numbers on a scale or a chart.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Looking at the Positives
After a great weekend with some awesome friends, I've decided to start looking at the positives and to try to let go of all of the anger, self loathing, and frustration presented in the previous posts. I've started to remind myself that none of that matters anymore-that it's in the past and there's nothing I can do to change it, even changing right now won't change the mistakes, problems, and regrets of the past. That being said, I will forever have regrets and sadness over those mistakes that I have made and I don't think that the thoughts of not being good enough will ever fully go away. I'll always have that thought of "but what if..." I just can't focus on them anymore. I can't focus on the what ifs and need to instead focus on what will be. I can't change the fact that I gained an entire person in weight in the past 12 years, but I can change for the future. I can continue on the trend I'm on now and lose the final 80 lbs to become the person I want to be, the person I deserve to be. I can get my healthy self back and start to work on my self esteem.
Instead of looking at my failures, I need to instead focus on my successes. Yes, I destroyed the first years of my college experience by not going to classes and am therefore not where I intended to be in my life right now. But instead of focusing on that, maybe I need to focus on the fact that in just the past 5 years of attending classes both part and full time, I have raised my GPA from a dismal 1.8 overall to a 2.73 overall. Is it perfect? Of course not. Is it indicative of what I can actually do? Absolutely not. My EKU overall is a 3.45, which shows my abilities better. I can't go back and force myself to continue to try to find a doctor who would listen to me about having mental illness instead of just pushing it off as depression or just in my head, yet I hold onto that anger, that frustration, and wish it was different. I can't go back and convince myself to listen to my friends and family when it came to the type of guys I dated, when it came to their flaws and issues that I chose to ignore, but I can be grateful that by going for them I learned what I don't want in a relationship.
I don't want to sacrifice myself and my likes just to have a boyfriend ever again. I don't want to turn my back on my own friends because I feel that every waking minute should be devoted to my relationship and how to make him happy. Even just sitting and writing this I can't believe that it's something I have to say. Thinking of my 14 year old self, the one who had her life mapped out without a man, I can't help but see her disappointment in me and who I've become. This helpless shell of a woman who has no identity outside of her relationships, who is clamoring to get back the pieces of herself she gave up. In my desperation to be like other people who had devoted significant others, I lost myself. I lost the love of playing soccer, the love of going out with my friends, and most of all, the love of being me. That ends now. I can't continue on the way I have been, it's how I ended up here in the first place-sad, alone, and feeling like a loser because of failed relationship after failed relationship. My relationships were doomed from the beginning-I was doing everything I could to make my significant other happy instead of what would make me happy. I'm not saying that I shouldn't compromise and try to make them happy too, but I wasn't trying this-I was doing whatever he wanted, no matter how unhappy it made me, and pretending that I really didn't want to do the things I wanted to do.
Now, the positives. It isn't too late to try to get back the pieces of myself I gave up. I can work on my athletic abilities again-maybe I can't fully gain it all back, but I can do it just for the enjoyment. I can get back to my healthier self again, it's within my reach and I know that I'll enjoy it more now than I did then. I thought I was so fat and let the ignorant comments of other insecure people destroy how I felt about myself to the point where I started to become the person they had always said I was, but it's not too late to push those thoughts back and get healthy. It's not too late to go out and have a good time with my friends, to make new friends, and to start my career. Am I starting where I wanted to? No. But I'll get there. It might take me until I'm 50 to finally get to where I want to be, but it will happen.
I never thought that 28, almost 29 would be the most important time in my own self discovery, I thought I would know who I was at 18, know what I wanted to be, who I wanted to be with, and who I was. To be honest, I had no clue. We spend so much of our adolescence trying to decide what to be instead of who we are. Instead of enjoying the things that we love to do, we focus hard on what our adult self might like to do. We are told at such a young age to decide what we want our future careers are, at a time when our brains aren't even fully developed and matured. We're not only encouraged to attend college and figure out a career path, it's almost demanded of us by society. I fell into that game in high school. I saw the sneers on people's faces when someone said that they were going to start working right after school, the gasps of horror if you said you were going to...community college. Those words were almost spat out of the mouths of the judgmental elite as if going to community college was only for idiots and that if you went there you were obviously beneath them. All of this pressure from not only peers, but also the guidance counselors, led to a state of mind among juniors and seniors that you had to get accepted to an amazing school and program. If you didn't, you were looked down on. This perceived hierarchy was part of what convinced me that I had to get into PA school, had to go to the elite private schools, and had to enter college when I really wasn't ready. No more will I let the opinions of others determine what I do.
I still have my fears, my anxieties, and regrets, but I need to learn to accept them and just enjoy things for what they are-enjoy my life. The loss of my father 2 years ago should have served to show me that I need to embrace every day for what it is and do whatever I can to enjoy my life. Instead, I chose to drown myself in self pity. I need to now start to do the things that I love, to surround myself with people who make me feel loved and accepted, and to finally love and respect myself. I need to realize that I can't live in regret, that if I had left my marriage 4 years ago when I originally wanted to, I wouldn't be where I am educationally today. If I hadn't tried things out a month ago, I might never have come to these realizations and finally left. I need to be grateful for the experiences of my past because they have taught me lessons, important ones that will help to shape the rest of my life. The more I learn to embrace them, the more I will learn to love me.
I'm a loving, compassionate, sometimes overly passionate, good person. I just need to look at those positives instead of the insecurity, regret, and hatred of the Becca of the past. I need to accept my faults and embrace my positives. I think I'm finally starting to "get it." I can change my future and become the person that I thought I'd be at 14. Self sufficient, confident, and most of all, happy just being me. I don't need to be who someone else wants me to be, I need to be who I want me to be and I need to find someone who can accept that about me, not want to change me to be their ideal. I deserve someone who will love me for me, but first I need to do the same. Tomorrow is a brand new day and I'm going to do everything I can to spend it learning who I am and being happy in my own company.
I'm not too old to start over, not too old to have fun. Bars and restaurants won't stop letting me in once I turn 30 and my life won't end. I need to look at 29 and 30 as just the beginning of my life as the new Becca. The one I was meant to be and who I am still learning so much about.
Instead of looking at my failures, I need to instead focus on my successes. Yes, I destroyed the first years of my college experience by not going to classes and am therefore not where I intended to be in my life right now. But instead of focusing on that, maybe I need to focus on the fact that in just the past 5 years of attending classes both part and full time, I have raised my GPA from a dismal 1.8 overall to a 2.73 overall. Is it perfect? Of course not. Is it indicative of what I can actually do? Absolutely not. My EKU overall is a 3.45, which shows my abilities better. I can't go back and force myself to continue to try to find a doctor who would listen to me about having mental illness instead of just pushing it off as depression or just in my head, yet I hold onto that anger, that frustration, and wish it was different. I can't go back and convince myself to listen to my friends and family when it came to the type of guys I dated, when it came to their flaws and issues that I chose to ignore, but I can be grateful that by going for them I learned what I don't want in a relationship.
I don't want to sacrifice myself and my likes just to have a boyfriend ever again. I don't want to turn my back on my own friends because I feel that every waking minute should be devoted to my relationship and how to make him happy. Even just sitting and writing this I can't believe that it's something I have to say. Thinking of my 14 year old self, the one who had her life mapped out without a man, I can't help but see her disappointment in me and who I've become. This helpless shell of a woman who has no identity outside of her relationships, who is clamoring to get back the pieces of herself she gave up. In my desperation to be like other people who had devoted significant others, I lost myself. I lost the love of playing soccer, the love of going out with my friends, and most of all, the love of being me. That ends now. I can't continue on the way I have been, it's how I ended up here in the first place-sad, alone, and feeling like a loser because of failed relationship after failed relationship. My relationships were doomed from the beginning-I was doing everything I could to make my significant other happy instead of what would make me happy. I'm not saying that I shouldn't compromise and try to make them happy too, but I wasn't trying this-I was doing whatever he wanted, no matter how unhappy it made me, and pretending that I really didn't want to do the things I wanted to do.
Now, the positives. It isn't too late to try to get back the pieces of myself I gave up. I can work on my athletic abilities again-maybe I can't fully gain it all back, but I can do it just for the enjoyment. I can get back to my healthier self again, it's within my reach and I know that I'll enjoy it more now than I did then. I thought I was so fat and let the ignorant comments of other insecure people destroy how I felt about myself to the point where I started to become the person they had always said I was, but it's not too late to push those thoughts back and get healthy. It's not too late to go out and have a good time with my friends, to make new friends, and to start my career. Am I starting where I wanted to? No. But I'll get there. It might take me until I'm 50 to finally get to where I want to be, but it will happen.
I never thought that 28, almost 29 would be the most important time in my own self discovery, I thought I would know who I was at 18, know what I wanted to be, who I wanted to be with, and who I was. To be honest, I had no clue. We spend so much of our adolescence trying to decide what to be instead of who we are. Instead of enjoying the things that we love to do, we focus hard on what our adult self might like to do. We are told at such a young age to decide what we want our future careers are, at a time when our brains aren't even fully developed and matured. We're not only encouraged to attend college and figure out a career path, it's almost demanded of us by society. I fell into that game in high school. I saw the sneers on people's faces when someone said that they were going to start working right after school, the gasps of horror if you said you were going to...community college. Those words were almost spat out of the mouths of the judgmental elite as if going to community college was only for idiots and that if you went there you were obviously beneath them. All of this pressure from not only peers, but also the guidance counselors, led to a state of mind among juniors and seniors that you had to get accepted to an amazing school and program. If you didn't, you were looked down on. This perceived hierarchy was part of what convinced me that I had to get into PA school, had to go to the elite private schools, and had to enter college when I really wasn't ready. No more will I let the opinions of others determine what I do.
I still have my fears, my anxieties, and regrets, but I need to learn to accept them and just enjoy things for what they are-enjoy my life. The loss of my father 2 years ago should have served to show me that I need to embrace every day for what it is and do whatever I can to enjoy my life. Instead, I chose to drown myself in self pity. I need to now start to do the things that I love, to surround myself with people who make me feel loved and accepted, and to finally love and respect myself. I need to realize that I can't live in regret, that if I had left my marriage 4 years ago when I originally wanted to, I wouldn't be where I am educationally today. If I hadn't tried things out a month ago, I might never have come to these realizations and finally left. I need to be grateful for the experiences of my past because they have taught me lessons, important ones that will help to shape the rest of my life. The more I learn to embrace them, the more I will learn to love me.
I'm a loving, compassionate, sometimes overly passionate, good person. I just need to look at those positives instead of the insecurity, regret, and hatred of the Becca of the past. I need to accept my faults and embrace my positives. I think I'm finally starting to "get it." I can change my future and become the person that I thought I'd be at 14. Self sufficient, confident, and most of all, happy just being me. I don't need to be who someone else wants me to be, I need to be who I want me to be and I need to find someone who can accept that about me, not want to change me to be their ideal. I deserve someone who will love me for me, but first I need to do the same. Tomorrow is a brand new day and I'm going to do everything I can to spend it learning who I am and being happy in my own company.
I'm not too old to start over, not too old to have fun. Bars and restaurants won't stop letting me in once I turn 30 and my life won't end. I need to look at 29 and 30 as just the beginning of my life as the new Becca. The one I was meant to be and who I am still learning so much about.
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