This isn't something I like to admit, or would have thought I was even doing until I talked through things with some people. Apparently, I'm the queen of self sabotage. This time, it's with my weight.
I'm currently down to about 222-223 lbs. Woot! Only 10 lbs to go to the weight I was at when I got married 6 years and some months ago and only 23-24 lbs to that wonderful thing that people in the weight loss world call ONEderland. Awesome right? Should be.
But I'm scared. A small part of me actually likes being fat. If I'm fat, it's understandable why guys don't necessarily find me attractive. It's understandable why I'm not dating again even though I want to be. I can rationalize almost anything that goes wrong in my life if I stay fat. My shyness, my awkwardness, all of it. At the same time, though, I want to be thin and healthy. I'm just scared that even when I get to where I want to be, I won't be confident. Even worse, I'm scared that even my best body won't be good enough for others. So I eat a bunch of crap. I'm even tracking what I eat and still eating crap! I'm not eating enough to gain weight, just enough to maintain it instead of lose. I need to get back in the losing mindset, I have big goals and I need to stop sabotaging myself and just start meeting them.
Cue people saying "but if they don't want you for your body do you even want them?" Of course not. Just because you don't want to date the guy who only finds you attractive because of your body doesn't mean you don't want them to find you attractive. I've always wanted to be attractive and while my family and friends can tell me whatever they want, the lack of male attention really spoke volumes to me. I was single until I met Geoff. Yeah, I dated a bit, but was constantly getting dumped for the cute, petite, blonde girls. The ones who giggle and simper whenever a guy talks to them and who look AMAZING in a bikini. They might not have substance but they get guys. Period. It's hard to have confidence when every single guy looks right through you to those girls. I just can't do it. I can't giggle and blush and be "cute." It's not who I am. So I want to get my body in the best condition I can. I want my confidence to come from my strength. I just need to figure out how to translate strong, tall, and pretty (I've never thought I wasn't) into something that a guy I want would want. It's not easy, and it's scary. It's easier to stay self conscious and overweight and know why it's not happening than to take the gamble on being where I want to be and still have no prospects. Super scary. Now I have to work past that somehow...
Nursing school update: I currently have an "A" in my nursing class. I'm so excited about this because I was so afraid of starting school and doing poorly and then not knowing what to do with my life. See a pattern? I'm a giant chicken-afraid of everything. It's nice to be doing so well and to have met so many amazing people in my program.
That's about all that's been going on, I've been sick for the past week-ish, so tomorrow's my first day back at the gym. I'm gonna work my butt off, that I have no problem doing-I just need to get my eating back under control. Any good tips?
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Making Good Decisions
Today I made a good decision. I have been obsessively eating fast food lately, I think I've been slightly depressed and in need of the seratonin boost that only crap food can give you, but today I stopped. I got halfway to BK to get a cheeseburger, those new Satisfries (which are quite good btw and 30% less calories), and my usual large diet coke and then realized I had no idea why I wanted it. It didn't even sound good.
So instead of continuing on my way and eating something that didn't sound all that good that wouldn't even come close to filling me up, I turned around. I went to Kroger and went to the salad bar. I piled the container full of lettuce and carrots and added some meat and cheese (there is nothing better than pepperoni on salad btw-gives it flavor!). Then, I did something I almost never do: I stopped in the fresh fruits and veggies and grabbed 3 granny smith apples. What?! Then, to top it all off, I grabbed two big bottles of water and didn't even LOOK at the candy in the checkout lane. This isn't like me...well...the old me. The new me is trying to eat more "cleanly." Less fried, less simple carbs, less unhealthy foods. It's going to be hard, and it sure as hell isn't the cheaper way to eat (though way cheaper than eating fast food and subs constantly), but I need to start looking at food as a way to fuel my body and not a comfort. Sure, I'll have a candy bar every once in a while, but it can't be a daily, even weekly thing. I need to break this addiction to sugar, that's the most important one for me to break. After that, I'll tackle the diet coke addiction.
I forget how much I love "whole" foods. I absolutely LOVE granny smith apples, I love eating a good salad every once in a while, and I love just a good steak or piece of chicken and a potato. It's easy to forget when you have the convenience of fast foods. It's quick, easy, tastes reasonably good, and you don't have to think about what to cook. It's much easier on a day when I've been in class from 8am-4:30pm to just grab McDonald's or Hardee's on the way home. I don't have to do anything, just order, take, and go. One fast food I've already cut out is Taco Bell. It has officially been 4 months since I last ate there, and I was ADDICTED to the chicken quesadillas. Now, I'm cutting out fast food burger joints. Then pizza. At least for a few months. Until I don't crave it anymore. I drive past taco bell all the time and don't even think about stopping in, it just doesn't appeal to me, and that's AWESOME. In April I was eating there at least 2x/week so this is a really huge thing for me.
Tomorrow marks personal training day 2. Day 1 went AMAZINGLY. He pushed me hard, set the weight higher when he saw I was capable of more, and forced me to do things I wasn't necessarily able to do. He got me into the plank position and had me tap my elbows. Even when I fell out of it and "couldn't" do more, he pushed me to continue and finish the 20 he told me to do. If I stop? He makes me start over. This is exactly what I need to get in the best shape of my life and I'm so glad that Danielle helped me to do this. Tomorrow is leg day. I LOVE working my legs. He's having us do abs on both training days, too, and arm day was RIDICULOUS. I lifted way more than I thought I could and when I was struggling with the last reps, he pushed me harder to get them done. I also did about 30 minutes on the bike and 15 on the elliptical so I'm really feeling good about getting myself in shape. My goal is totally achievable, I just have to do it!
I also did a calculation based on my body fat percentage. In order to get my goal body fat %, I will need to get my weight to 170 lbs if I keep the same amount of lean body mass as I have right now. Since I am building lean body mass by lifting, I may even get away with weighing more. I'm not as concerned about the number anymore, I'm just concerned about how I look and the amount of body fat I have. There are people at 155 lbs at my height with high body fat and there are people at 170 lbs at my height with low body fat. I just want to be lean and healthy. That's my only goal. :)
So instead of continuing on my way and eating something that didn't sound all that good that wouldn't even come close to filling me up, I turned around. I went to Kroger and went to the salad bar. I piled the container full of lettuce and carrots and added some meat and cheese (there is nothing better than pepperoni on salad btw-gives it flavor!). Then, I did something I almost never do: I stopped in the fresh fruits and veggies and grabbed 3 granny smith apples. What?! Then, to top it all off, I grabbed two big bottles of water and didn't even LOOK at the candy in the checkout lane. This isn't like me...well...the old me. The new me is trying to eat more "cleanly." Less fried, less simple carbs, less unhealthy foods. It's going to be hard, and it sure as hell isn't the cheaper way to eat (though way cheaper than eating fast food and subs constantly), but I need to start looking at food as a way to fuel my body and not a comfort. Sure, I'll have a candy bar every once in a while, but it can't be a daily, even weekly thing. I need to break this addiction to sugar, that's the most important one for me to break. After that, I'll tackle the diet coke addiction.
I forget how much I love "whole" foods. I absolutely LOVE granny smith apples, I love eating a good salad every once in a while, and I love just a good steak or piece of chicken and a potato. It's easy to forget when you have the convenience of fast foods. It's quick, easy, tastes reasonably good, and you don't have to think about what to cook. It's much easier on a day when I've been in class from 8am-4:30pm to just grab McDonald's or Hardee's on the way home. I don't have to do anything, just order, take, and go. One fast food I've already cut out is Taco Bell. It has officially been 4 months since I last ate there, and I was ADDICTED to the chicken quesadillas. Now, I'm cutting out fast food burger joints. Then pizza. At least for a few months. Until I don't crave it anymore. I drive past taco bell all the time and don't even think about stopping in, it just doesn't appeal to me, and that's AWESOME. In April I was eating there at least 2x/week so this is a really huge thing for me.
Tomorrow marks personal training day 2. Day 1 went AMAZINGLY. He pushed me hard, set the weight higher when he saw I was capable of more, and forced me to do things I wasn't necessarily able to do. He got me into the plank position and had me tap my elbows. Even when I fell out of it and "couldn't" do more, he pushed me to continue and finish the 20 he told me to do. If I stop? He makes me start over. This is exactly what I need to get in the best shape of my life and I'm so glad that Danielle helped me to do this. Tomorrow is leg day. I LOVE working my legs. He's having us do abs on both training days, too, and arm day was RIDICULOUS. I lifted way more than I thought I could and when I was struggling with the last reps, he pushed me harder to get them done. I also did about 30 minutes on the bike and 15 on the elliptical so I'm really feeling good about getting myself in shape. My goal is totally achievable, I just have to do it!
I also did a calculation based on my body fat percentage. In order to get my goal body fat %, I will need to get my weight to 170 lbs if I keep the same amount of lean body mass as I have right now. Since I am building lean body mass by lifting, I may even get away with weighing more. I'm not as concerned about the number anymore, I'm just concerned about how I look and the amount of body fat I have. There are people at 155 lbs at my height with high body fat and there are people at 170 lbs at my height with low body fat. I just want to be lean and healthy. That's my only goal. :)
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