Self Sabotage and a Nursing School Update

This isn't something I like to admit, or would have thought I was even doing until I talked through things with some people.  Apparently, I'm the queen of self sabotage.  This time, it's with my weight.

I'm currently down to about 222-223 lbs.  Woot!  Only 10 lbs to go to the weight I was at when I got married 6 years and some months ago and only 23-24 lbs to that wonderful thing that people in the weight loss world call ONEderland.  Awesome right?  Should be.

But I'm scared.  A small part of me actually likes being fat.  If I'm fat, it's understandable why guys don't necessarily find me attractive.  It's understandable why I'm not dating again even though I want to be.  I can rationalize almost anything that goes wrong in my life if I stay fat.  My shyness, my awkwardness, all of it.  At the same time, though, I want to be thin and healthy.  I'm just scared that even when I get to where I want to be, I won't be confident.  Even worse, I'm scared that even my best body won't be good enough for others.  So I eat a bunch of crap.  I'm even tracking what I eat and still eating crap!  I'm not eating enough to gain weight, just enough to maintain it instead of lose.  I need to get back in the losing mindset, I have big goals and I need to stop sabotaging myself and just start meeting them.

Cue people saying "but if they don't want you for your body do you even want them?"  Of course not.  Just because you don't want to date the guy who only finds you attractive because of your body doesn't mean you don't want them to find you attractive.  I've always wanted to be attractive and while my family and friends can tell me whatever they want, the lack of male attention really spoke volumes to me.  I was single until I met Geoff.  Yeah, I dated a bit, but was constantly getting dumped for the cute, petite, blonde girls.  The ones who giggle and simper whenever a guy talks to them and who look AMAZING in a bikini.  They might not have substance but they get guys.  Period.  It's hard to have confidence when every single guy looks right through you to those girls.  I just can't do it.  I can't giggle and blush and be "cute."  It's not who I am.  So I want to get my body in the best condition I can.  I want my confidence to come from my strength.  I just need to figure out how to translate strong, tall, and pretty (I've never thought I wasn't) into something that a guy I want would want.   It's not easy, and it's scary.  It's easier to stay self conscious and overweight and know why it's not happening than to take the gamble on being where I want to be and still have no prospects.  Super scary.  Now I have to work past that somehow...

Nursing school update: I currently have an "A" in my nursing class.  I'm so excited about this because I was so afraid of starting school and doing poorly and then not knowing what to do with my life.  See a pattern?  I'm a giant chicken-afraid of everything.  It's nice to be doing so well and to have met so many amazing people in my program.

That's about all that's been going on, I've been sick for the past week-ish, so tomorrow's my first day back at the gym.  I'm gonna work my butt off, that I have no problem doing-I just need to get my eating back under control.  Any good tips?