"It's Just Not Your Body Type"

My whole life, I've been convinced that I can never be thin, never have the body that I want, because I'm just "not meant to be that way," I "don't have that body type."  Yes, I was at a normal weight in high school and had very muscular legs, but my arms were weak and my abs sucked.  I had zero flexibility (still don't-working on that) and, while I loved playing soccer, I wasn't exactly the most athletic.  Sure, I could run a mile, but it was slow.  Most of my skill was in the power of my strong legs, I ignored the rest of my body.  So I always felt pudgy, no matter how thin I was.  I still had stomach fat, and I was still self conscious.  Instead of working on it, going running more instead of only when I had to, instead of doing situps and pushups or other arm exercises, I just told myself that I just wasn't built to be thin, I would always have a bit of a gut and would never be able to do a pushup or pull-up.  I'd never have a truly flat stomach and one of those bikini bodies that women would KILL for.

Now, I can do over 20 pushups, the modified kind, but still way more than I could do before.  I'm working on getting myself out of the mindset that I'll never have the body I want, that I'll have to settle for just being a normal weight.  But that's not what I want.  No, I don't want to be skin and bones, I don't want you to be able to count my individual ribs, I don't care if my collar bones are visible, I want to be fit.  I want to be that hot girl that others look at in envy instead of the chubby girl who looks on at them.  I want to put on a bikini and look in the mirror and know that I look damn good.  To wear the clothes that I want to wear instead of what's left on the rack that fits and doesn't look terrible.  To have legs that can fit into riding boots.  So many appearance related things that I want, but I also want to be fit.  I want to be able to just run up a flight of stairs if I'm late to class, or to be able to lift that 250 lb patient without injuring myself.  I want to be able to stand for hours without feeling like my feet are going to fall off.  I want to wear heels again and not have my feet hurt within minutes of trying to hold up my large frame.

I want to be healthy, of course.  I just want to be the hot girl for once instead of the one who sits in the corner with her hands over her stomach wishing she was someone else.  I want to have the confidence to tell people how I feel, to be able to just pop up and be the life of the party.  I don't have that right now.  Every time I think about myself even talking to other people I picture some bumbling idiot.  I freak out that I've said or done the wrong thing constantly, something that I can't help but feel would be more accepted in a thinner person.  I want to feel like doing my hair and makeup is worth it again, I want to WANT to be noticed instead of wanting to be invisible.  I know that a lot of the confidence has to come from within, but it's hard for me to not only be shy but to be overweight at the same time.

I have 2 lbs to go until I'm under 230 lbs for the first time since 2007.  I want that two pounds gone YESTERDAY.  I wish I'd been more motivated and more committed before.  Yes, I lost 45 lbs over the last year, that's great, but I know I could have done better.  If I hadn't been so depressed all the time I might not have binged (I'm over a week binge free right now and super happy about it).  Now I have to get the motivation to add exercise back in.  I do a bit of weight lifting, but I need to add in cardio.  I want this weight to come off more quickly.  I want to be my best by next summer, to be able to just wear shorts again and know I look good.  This is my goal, and I am going to do it.

First mini goal?  Wedding day weight- 212-215.  I want to achieve this goal by September at the latest, preferably mid-August.  I know I can do it.  I just have to remind myself of that.  I've started writing by hand in a personal journal, writing things that I just can't share on here.  It's helping, I think.  I got a lot of things out last night so I'm hoping to continue doing that as well as sharing with all of you <3