To date, since March of 2012, I have lost 53 lbs. A good chunk of this weight has been since April of this year. On April 25th, I weighed in at 244 lbs. Today? I weighed in at 223. A lot of people might be surprised that I share the number. To be honest, I am too. Weighing in the 200s is embarrassing, disgusting, and terrible for me. But I'm changing it. Just over one year ago, that number was in the 270s. I was fat, miserable, and didn't ever think I could lose the weight. But I'm doing it. I've lost 53 lbs (give or take, I stopped weighing for a while before I started losing and just estimated my actual high weight). In-SANE. I have never been able to lose this much weight and keep it off this long. The most weight I've ever lost was about 40 lbs and it stayed off for less than a year. So yeah, it's coming off way slower than I'd like, my loss since April has been almost exactly 4 lbs per month-a fantastic rate but I know that I can do better. I know that I wasn't eating the way I should, that I wasn't working out as hard as I should. I was making excuses. I would still binge. In July, I lost about 10 of the 20 lbs. Since then, I've lost about 5. My weight loss looks great on paper, but it's not consistent. That's my new goal: get to where I'm doing what I need to do consistently to drop the weight.
I start with a personal trainer on Monday evening. One of my closest friends and I will be training 2-3 times a week for 6 weeks with a fantastic trainer who has promised to push us hard. We did measurements and body fat percentages on Thursday before a light workout and, as terrible as those measurements looked, I had to remember that this is a significant change from last year and I have nowhere to go but down. My body fat % was about 40% and my BMI was 35.2. This is a difference of about 10% in body fat and almost 10 BMI points since last year. HUGE. My trainer said that he thinks that I can lose 23-24 lbs and between 5-10% of my body fat during our time training together and I hope to not only hit this, but get below it. I know that I can if I just eat right and really push myself. But I'm scared. I'm scared that even when I'm at my goal weight and toned I'll still be invisible. I'll still be the best friend, never the girlfriend. I'll never be attractive like I want to be. It's funny, too. I have always thought I was pretty but never had guys tell me the same. I love my face, especially now that I'm learning how to play it up with makeup. I don't go too crazy, but went with a darker lip color yesterday than I usually do and have learned how to make my foundation look more natural. The little things to make me more girly.
A great resource for body fat % and how it appears on real people
I want to be feminine. I want to still have my curves but I want to be strong and able to lift heavy things. I told my trainer to push me HARD. My ultimate goal is to be between 20 and 25% body fat. I don't want individually defined abs, but I want a flat stomach. I want strong arms, strong legs, and a strong core but I want to keep that soft femininity about me. And no, I am not saying that someone in the 10-12% isn't/can't be feminine, I'm saying that that doesn't define my personal femininity. All women are beautiful, whether they're 10% or 60% body fat. Right now I hover around that 40% mark. I would LOVE to be in the 30-35% range in 6 weeks. I would be THRILLED. It finally seems like a completely legitimate possibility that I will get there. If you had told me one year ago that I'd be at the weight I'm at now, I would have looked at you like you were crazy. I've been trying to lose this weight for almost 5 years, it just never seemed like it was going to happen. And it wasn't going to until I lost all of the negative influences in my life.
I wake up in the morning now feeling beautiful. I pick out clothes based on what I WANT to wear, not based on what fits. Am I thin? Hell no. Am I happy with how my body looks? Absolutely not. But I'm learning how to dress more stylishly, not just wearing jeans and a t-shirt in hopes I'll blend in. I'm wearing makeup and doing my hair. Instead of doing everything I can to hide myself, I'm doing everything I can to be noticed. I want to be noticed. I don't want to hide anymore. I'm beautiful, inside and out, and anyone who doesn't agree isn't worth my time. Sure, I can be extremely annoying at times, I sometimes talk too much, and I don't always think before I talk. But those aren't the things that make me who I am. Those are things that I can change, and am working on changing. I don't dive into things head first anymore, I think them through and make rational decisions.
My new goal? Stop worrying about the "what ifs." In nursing school, one of the biggest things we were taught about how to take the tests is to just look at the question at face value. I need to learn to look at life at face value. Losing weight will change nothing about me except my weight and the appearance of my body. It won't change who I am on the inside, the person who loves with her whole heart, would do anything for a friend, and who wants to do whatever she can to make a difference in this world. My appearance is only the first thing people see, and yeah-a smaller frame and more attractive body will bring me more attention, but I have to remember that my personality is what will sell it. And sure, a guy may have a pretty face, but with no substance that's all he is. I'd rather have a moderately attractive guy with an amazing personality and a brain than a pretty boy with no personality or brains. I hope that others will be able to look at me in the same way. I'm realizing that I have a whole lot to offer, and that is huge compared to my feelings just a short 5 months ago.
Updated Progress Picture
Image 1: June 2013
Image 2: July 2013
Image 3: August 2013
Image 4: September 2013
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