This isn't something I like to admit, or would have thought I was even doing until I talked through things with some people. Apparently, I'm the queen of self sabotage. This time, it's with my weight.
I'm currently down to about 222-223 lbs. Woot! Only 10 lbs to go to the weight I was at when I got married 6 years and some months ago and only 23-24 lbs to that wonderful thing that people in the weight loss world call ONEderland. Awesome right? Should be.
But I'm scared. A small part of me actually likes being fat. If I'm fat, it's understandable why guys don't necessarily find me attractive. It's understandable why I'm not dating again even though I want to be. I can rationalize almost anything that goes wrong in my life if I stay fat. My shyness, my awkwardness, all of it. At the same time, though, I want to be thin and healthy. I'm just scared that even when I get to where I want to be, I won't be confident. Even worse, I'm scared that even my best body won't be good enough for others. So I eat a bunch of crap. I'm even tracking what I eat and still eating crap! I'm not eating enough to gain weight, just enough to maintain it instead of lose. I need to get back in the losing mindset, I have big goals and I need to stop sabotaging myself and just start meeting them.
Cue people saying "but if they don't want you for your body do you even want them?" Of course not. Just because you don't want to date the guy who only finds you attractive because of your body doesn't mean you don't want them to find you attractive. I've always wanted to be attractive and while my family and friends can tell me whatever they want, the lack of male attention really spoke volumes to me. I was single until I met Geoff. Yeah, I dated a bit, but was constantly getting dumped for the cute, petite, blonde girls. The ones who giggle and simper whenever a guy talks to them and who look AMAZING in a bikini. They might not have substance but they get guys. Period. It's hard to have confidence when every single guy looks right through you to those girls. I just can't do it. I can't giggle and blush and be "cute." It's not who I am. So I want to get my body in the best condition I can. I want my confidence to come from my strength. I just need to figure out how to translate strong, tall, and pretty (I've never thought I wasn't) into something that a guy I want would want. It's not easy, and it's scary. It's easier to stay self conscious and overweight and know why it's not happening than to take the gamble on being where I want to be and still have no prospects. Super scary. Now I have to work past that somehow...
Nursing school update: I currently have an "A" in my nursing class. I'm so excited about this because I was so afraid of starting school and doing poorly and then not knowing what to do with my life. See a pattern? I'm a giant chicken-afraid of everything. It's nice to be doing so well and to have met so many amazing people in my program.
That's about all that's been going on, I've been sick for the past week-ish, so tomorrow's my first day back at the gym. I'm gonna work my butt off, that I have no problem doing-I just need to get my eating back under control. Any good tips?
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Making Good Decisions
Today I made a good decision. I have been obsessively eating fast food lately, I think I've been slightly depressed and in need of the seratonin boost that only crap food can give you, but today I stopped. I got halfway to BK to get a cheeseburger, those new Satisfries (which are quite good btw and 30% less calories), and my usual large diet coke and then realized I had no idea why I wanted it. It didn't even sound good.
So instead of continuing on my way and eating something that didn't sound all that good that wouldn't even come close to filling me up, I turned around. I went to Kroger and went to the salad bar. I piled the container full of lettuce and carrots and added some meat and cheese (there is nothing better than pepperoni on salad btw-gives it flavor!). Then, I did something I almost never do: I stopped in the fresh fruits and veggies and grabbed 3 granny smith apples. What?! Then, to top it all off, I grabbed two big bottles of water and didn't even LOOK at the candy in the checkout lane. This isn't like me...well...the old me. The new me is trying to eat more "cleanly." Less fried, less simple carbs, less unhealthy foods. It's going to be hard, and it sure as hell isn't the cheaper way to eat (though way cheaper than eating fast food and subs constantly), but I need to start looking at food as a way to fuel my body and not a comfort. Sure, I'll have a candy bar every once in a while, but it can't be a daily, even weekly thing. I need to break this addiction to sugar, that's the most important one for me to break. After that, I'll tackle the diet coke addiction.
I forget how much I love "whole" foods. I absolutely LOVE granny smith apples, I love eating a good salad every once in a while, and I love just a good steak or piece of chicken and a potato. It's easy to forget when you have the convenience of fast foods. It's quick, easy, tastes reasonably good, and you don't have to think about what to cook. It's much easier on a day when I've been in class from 8am-4:30pm to just grab McDonald's or Hardee's on the way home. I don't have to do anything, just order, take, and go. One fast food I've already cut out is Taco Bell. It has officially been 4 months since I last ate there, and I was ADDICTED to the chicken quesadillas. Now, I'm cutting out fast food burger joints. Then pizza. At least for a few months. Until I don't crave it anymore. I drive past taco bell all the time and don't even think about stopping in, it just doesn't appeal to me, and that's AWESOME. In April I was eating there at least 2x/week so this is a really huge thing for me.
Tomorrow marks personal training day 2. Day 1 went AMAZINGLY. He pushed me hard, set the weight higher when he saw I was capable of more, and forced me to do things I wasn't necessarily able to do. He got me into the plank position and had me tap my elbows. Even when I fell out of it and "couldn't" do more, he pushed me to continue and finish the 20 he told me to do. If I stop? He makes me start over. This is exactly what I need to get in the best shape of my life and I'm so glad that Danielle helped me to do this. Tomorrow is leg day. I LOVE working my legs. He's having us do abs on both training days, too, and arm day was RIDICULOUS. I lifted way more than I thought I could and when I was struggling with the last reps, he pushed me harder to get them done. I also did about 30 minutes on the bike and 15 on the elliptical so I'm really feeling good about getting myself in shape. My goal is totally achievable, I just have to do it!
I also did a calculation based on my body fat percentage. In order to get my goal body fat %, I will need to get my weight to 170 lbs if I keep the same amount of lean body mass as I have right now. Since I am building lean body mass by lifting, I may even get away with weighing more. I'm not as concerned about the number anymore, I'm just concerned about how I look and the amount of body fat I have. There are people at 155 lbs at my height with high body fat and there are people at 170 lbs at my height with low body fat. I just want to be lean and healthy. That's my only goal. :)
So instead of continuing on my way and eating something that didn't sound all that good that wouldn't even come close to filling me up, I turned around. I went to Kroger and went to the salad bar. I piled the container full of lettuce and carrots and added some meat and cheese (there is nothing better than pepperoni on salad btw-gives it flavor!). Then, I did something I almost never do: I stopped in the fresh fruits and veggies and grabbed 3 granny smith apples. What?! Then, to top it all off, I grabbed two big bottles of water and didn't even LOOK at the candy in the checkout lane. This isn't like me...well...the old me. The new me is trying to eat more "cleanly." Less fried, less simple carbs, less unhealthy foods. It's going to be hard, and it sure as hell isn't the cheaper way to eat (though way cheaper than eating fast food and subs constantly), but I need to start looking at food as a way to fuel my body and not a comfort. Sure, I'll have a candy bar every once in a while, but it can't be a daily, even weekly thing. I need to break this addiction to sugar, that's the most important one for me to break. After that, I'll tackle the diet coke addiction.
I forget how much I love "whole" foods. I absolutely LOVE granny smith apples, I love eating a good salad every once in a while, and I love just a good steak or piece of chicken and a potato. It's easy to forget when you have the convenience of fast foods. It's quick, easy, tastes reasonably good, and you don't have to think about what to cook. It's much easier on a day when I've been in class from 8am-4:30pm to just grab McDonald's or Hardee's on the way home. I don't have to do anything, just order, take, and go. One fast food I've already cut out is Taco Bell. It has officially been 4 months since I last ate there, and I was ADDICTED to the chicken quesadillas. Now, I'm cutting out fast food burger joints. Then pizza. At least for a few months. Until I don't crave it anymore. I drive past taco bell all the time and don't even think about stopping in, it just doesn't appeal to me, and that's AWESOME. In April I was eating there at least 2x/week so this is a really huge thing for me.
Tomorrow marks personal training day 2. Day 1 went AMAZINGLY. He pushed me hard, set the weight higher when he saw I was capable of more, and forced me to do things I wasn't necessarily able to do. He got me into the plank position and had me tap my elbows. Even when I fell out of it and "couldn't" do more, he pushed me to continue and finish the 20 he told me to do. If I stop? He makes me start over. This is exactly what I need to get in the best shape of my life and I'm so glad that Danielle helped me to do this. Tomorrow is leg day. I LOVE working my legs. He's having us do abs on both training days, too, and arm day was RIDICULOUS. I lifted way more than I thought I could and when I was struggling with the last reps, he pushed me harder to get them done. I also did about 30 minutes on the bike and 15 on the elliptical so I'm really feeling good about getting myself in shape. My goal is totally achievable, I just have to do it!
I also did a calculation based on my body fat percentage. In order to get my goal body fat %, I will need to get my weight to 170 lbs if I keep the same amount of lean body mass as I have right now. Since I am building lean body mass by lifting, I may even get away with weighing more. I'm not as concerned about the number anymore, I'm just concerned about how I look and the amount of body fat I have. There are people at 155 lbs at my height with high body fat and there are people at 170 lbs at my height with low body fat. I just want to be lean and healthy. That's my only goal. :)
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Becca: 5 Months Later
I have, yet again, been slacking in the writing department. I think I need someone to poke me with a sharp stick every couple of days to remind me that I love to write and that it's super helpful for my psychological health haha. So, things have been going reasonably well. I still over think things and still question myself at every turn, but I'm starting to see that my decisions are becoming better. I'm not just looking at the first option and going "yes. that's it," but instead I'm weighing out all options and choosing what I actually believe to be the best.
To date, since March of 2012, I have lost 53 lbs. A good chunk of this weight has been since April of this year. On April 25th, I weighed in at 244 lbs. Today? I weighed in at 223. A lot of people might be surprised that I share the number. To be honest, I am too. Weighing in the 200s is embarrassing, disgusting, and terrible for me. But I'm changing it. Just over one year ago, that number was in the 270s. I was fat, miserable, and didn't ever think I could lose the weight. But I'm doing it. I've lost 53 lbs (give or take, I stopped weighing for a while before I started losing and just estimated my actual high weight). In-SANE. I have never been able to lose this much weight and keep it off this long. The most weight I've ever lost was about 40 lbs and it stayed off for less than a year. So yeah, it's coming off way slower than I'd like, my loss since April has been almost exactly 4 lbs per month-a fantastic rate but I know that I can do better. I know that I wasn't eating the way I should, that I wasn't working out as hard as I should. I was making excuses. I would still binge. In July, I lost about 10 of the 20 lbs. Since then, I've lost about 5. My weight loss looks great on paper, but it's not consistent. That's my new goal: get to where I'm doing what I need to do consistently to drop the weight.
I start with a personal trainer on Monday evening. One of my closest friends and I will be training 2-3 times a week for 6 weeks with a fantastic trainer who has promised to push us hard. We did measurements and body fat percentages on Thursday before a light workout and, as terrible as those measurements looked, I had to remember that this is a significant change from last year and I have nowhere to go but down. My body fat % was about 40% and my BMI was 35.2. This is a difference of about 10% in body fat and almost 10 BMI points since last year. HUGE. My trainer said that he thinks that I can lose 23-24 lbs and between 5-10% of my body fat during our time training together and I hope to not only hit this, but get below it. I know that I can if I just eat right and really push myself. But I'm scared. I'm scared that even when I'm at my goal weight and toned I'll still be invisible. I'll still be the best friend, never the girlfriend. I'll never be attractive like I want to be. It's funny, too. I have always thought I was pretty but never had guys tell me the same. I love my face, especially now that I'm learning how to play it up with makeup. I don't go too crazy, but went with a darker lip color yesterday than I usually do and have learned how to make my foundation look more natural. The little things to make me more girly.
I want to be feminine. I want to still have my curves but I want to be strong and able to lift heavy things. I told my trainer to push me HARD. My ultimate goal is to be between 20 and 25% body fat. I don't want individually defined abs, but I want a flat stomach. I want strong arms, strong legs, and a strong core but I want to keep that soft femininity about me. And no, I am not saying that someone in the 10-12% isn't/can't be feminine, I'm saying that that doesn't define my personal femininity. All women are beautiful, whether they're 10% or 60% body fat. Right now I hover around that 40% mark. I would LOVE to be in the 30-35% range in 6 weeks. I would be THRILLED. It finally seems like a completely legitimate possibility that I will get there. If you had told me one year ago that I'd be at the weight I'm at now, I would have looked at you like you were crazy. I've been trying to lose this weight for almost 5 years, it just never seemed like it was going to happen. And it wasn't going to until I lost all of the negative influences in my life.
I wake up in the morning now feeling beautiful. I pick out clothes based on what I WANT to wear, not based on what fits. Am I thin? Hell no. Am I happy with how my body looks? Absolutely not. But I'm learning how to dress more stylishly, not just wearing jeans and a t-shirt in hopes I'll blend in. I'm wearing makeup and doing my hair. Instead of doing everything I can to hide myself, I'm doing everything I can to be noticed. I want to be noticed. I don't want to hide anymore. I'm beautiful, inside and out, and anyone who doesn't agree isn't worth my time. Sure, I can be extremely annoying at times, I sometimes talk too much, and I don't always think before I talk. But those aren't the things that make me who I am. Those are things that I can change, and am working on changing. I don't dive into things head first anymore, I think them through and make rational decisions.
My new goal? Stop worrying about the "what ifs." In nursing school, one of the biggest things we were taught about how to take the tests is to just look at the question at face value. I need to learn to look at life at face value. Losing weight will change nothing about me except my weight and the appearance of my body. It won't change who I am on the inside, the person who loves with her whole heart, would do anything for a friend, and who wants to do whatever she can to make a difference in this world. My appearance is only the first thing people see, and yeah-a smaller frame and more attractive body will bring me more attention, but I have to remember that my personality is what will sell it. And sure, a guy may have a pretty face, but with no substance that's all he is. I'd rather have a moderately attractive guy with an amazing personality and a brain than a pretty boy with no personality or brains. I hope that others will be able to look at me in the same way. I'm realizing that I have a whole lot to offer, and that is huge compared to my feelings just a short 5 months ago.
To date, since March of 2012, I have lost 53 lbs. A good chunk of this weight has been since April of this year. On April 25th, I weighed in at 244 lbs. Today? I weighed in at 223. A lot of people might be surprised that I share the number. To be honest, I am too. Weighing in the 200s is embarrassing, disgusting, and terrible for me. But I'm changing it. Just over one year ago, that number was in the 270s. I was fat, miserable, and didn't ever think I could lose the weight. But I'm doing it. I've lost 53 lbs (give or take, I stopped weighing for a while before I started losing and just estimated my actual high weight). In-SANE. I have never been able to lose this much weight and keep it off this long. The most weight I've ever lost was about 40 lbs and it stayed off for less than a year. So yeah, it's coming off way slower than I'd like, my loss since April has been almost exactly 4 lbs per month-a fantastic rate but I know that I can do better. I know that I wasn't eating the way I should, that I wasn't working out as hard as I should. I was making excuses. I would still binge. In July, I lost about 10 of the 20 lbs. Since then, I've lost about 5. My weight loss looks great on paper, but it's not consistent. That's my new goal: get to where I'm doing what I need to do consistently to drop the weight.
I start with a personal trainer on Monday evening. One of my closest friends and I will be training 2-3 times a week for 6 weeks with a fantastic trainer who has promised to push us hard. We did measurements and body fat percentages on Thursday before a light workout and, as terrible as those measurements looked, I had to remember that this is a significant change from last year and I have nowhere to go but down. My body fat % was about 40% and my BMI was 35.2. This is a difference of about 10% in body fat and almost 10 BMI points since last year. HUGE. My trainer said that he thinks that I can lose 23-24 lbs and between 5-10% of my body fat during our time training together and I hope to not only hit this, but get below it. I know that I can if I just eat right and really push myself. But I'm scared. I'm scared that even when I'm at my goal weight and toned I'll still be invisible. I'll still be the best friend, never the girlfriend. I'll never be attractive like I want to be. It's funny, too. I have always thought I was pretty but never had guys tell me the same. I love my face, especially now that I'm learning how to play it up with makeup. I don't go too crazy, but went with a darker lip color yesterday than I usually do and have learned how to make my foundation look more natural. The little things to make me more girly.
A great resource for body fat % and how it appears on real people
I want to be feminine. I want to still have my curves but I want to be strong and able to lift heavy things. I told my trainer to push me HARD. My ultimate goal is to be between 20 and 25% body fat. I don't want individually defined abs, but I want a flat stomach. I want strong arms, strong legs, and a strong core but I want to keep that soft femininity about me. And no, I am not saying that someone in the 10-12% isn't/can't be feminine, I'm saying that that doesn't define my personal femininity. All women are beautiful, whether they're 10% or 60% body fat. Right now I hover around that 40% mark. I would LOVE to be in the 30-35% range in 6 weeks. I would be THRILLED. It finally seems like a completely legitimate possibility that I will get there. If you had told me one year ago that I'd be at the weight I'm at now, I would have looked at you like you were crazy. I've been trying to lose this weight for almost 5 years, it just never seemed like it was going to happen. And it wasn't going to until I lost all of the negative influences in my life.
I wake up in the morning now feeling beautiful. I pick out clothes based on what I WANT to wear, not based on what fits. Am I thin? Hell no. Am I happy with how my body looks? Absolutely not. But I'm learning how to dress more stylishly, not just wearing jeans and a t-shirt in hopes I'll blend in. I'm wearing makeup and doing my hair. Instead of doing everything I can to hide myself, I'm doing everything I can to be noticed. I want to be noticed. I don't want to hide anymore. I'm beautiful, inside and out, and anyone who doesn't agree isn't worth my time. Sure, I can be extremely annoying at times, I sometimes talk too much, and I don't always think before I talk. But those aren't the things that make me who I am. Those are things that I can change, and am working on changing. I don't dive into things head first anymore, I think them through and make rational decisions.
My new goal? Stop worrying about the "what ifs." In nursing school, one of the biggest things we were taught about how to take the tests is to just look at the question at face value. I need to learn to look at life at face value. Losing weight will change nothing about me except my weight and the appearance of my body. It won't change who I am on the inside, the person who loves with her whole heart, would do anything for a friend, and who wants to do whatever she can to make a difference in this world. My appearance is only the first thing people see, and yeah-a smaller frame and more attractive body will bring me more attention, but I have to remember that my personality is what will sell it. And sure, a guy may have a pretty face, but with no substance that's all he is. I'd rather have a moderately attractive guy with an amazing personality and a brain than a pretty boy with no personality or brains. I hope that others will be able to look at me in the same way. I'm realizing that I have a whole lot to offer, and that is huge compared to my feelings just a short 5 months ago.
Updated Progress Picture
Image 1: June 2013
Image 2: July 2013
Image 3: August 2013
Image 4: September 2013
Friday, September 20, 2013
The Real Reasons for Losing Weight
I read a highly sexist article on Buzzfeed today presented by Slimfast, the crappy diet shake plan. In said article, they were talking about 12 things that women say they want to do when losing weight and what they "actually mean." A majority of the examples had to do with getting guys to notice you and those that weren't about that were about superficial things like skinny jeans.
So why am I really trying to lose weight? Is it so the boys will notice me? Maybe a little bit, but that's not the entirety of it, or even really a big piece. So it's gotta be about wearing skinny jeans and looking good in a bikini, right? Yeah. A tiny bit of it is about being able to wear certain styles, I'll even admit to having bought a bikini in anticipation of getting to my goal weight (it was on sale at Meijer for $5, I couldn't pass it up lol). But that's not the biggest part.
So what is the biggest part? My health. As most people know, I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. PCOS can be caused by weight gain. Notice that I said can, many women with PCOS are lean and do not have the issues with weight that others do. I'm 99.9% sure that my PCOS is weight related since losing the 50+ lbs I've lost has alleviated some of the symptoms of it. My family has a history of high cholesterol, which can be weight related, type II diabetes, heart disease, cancer (some may be weight related), and other dietary related or weight related health issues. I want to lose weight so I can say that I did everything I could to avoid those issues.
I want to be healthy, I don't want to not be able to walk up several flights of stairs to get to class, I don't want to be the "fat nurse" who tells people to lose weight. I want to practice what I preach. I don't want to give anyone an excuse to not trust my advice and information.
I want to look back at who I used to be, a 275 lb insecure mess of a woman, and know that I never have to be that again. I want to look back at pictures and be inspired by how much weight I lost, and to inspire others to do the same. I want to be in the best shape of my life so I can really get out and enjoy things. Sure, I want to look "hot" and be attractive to men, but that is in no way the biggest reason for my losing weight. I'm disgusted that a brand that tries so hard to appeal to women would post such an obviously sexist ad that basically implies that women only exist to attract men.
I am a strong, independent woman. I don't need a man in my life to be successful, I can do it on my own. The only man in my life right now that I need (outside of my family) is my personal trainer. And I only need him for the next 5 weeks! I have 55-70 lbs to go and I'm losing it for me. Sure, I want the guys who've rejected me in the past to look at me and go "well..damn." but that's not the big reason. The big reason is to be healthy, to avoid weight related health issues, and to finally feel good about myself. The kind of man I want isn't the kind that only looks at my physical attractiveness anyway. I have a lot more to offer than that.
So why am I really trying to lose weight? Is it so the boys will notice me? Maybe a little bit, but that's not the entirety of it, or even really a big piece. So it's gotta be about wearing skinny jeans and looking good in a bikini, right? Yeah. A tiny bit of it is about being able to wear certain styles, I'll even admit to having bought a bikini in anticipation of getting to my goal weight (it was on sale at Meijer for $5, I couldn't pass it up lol). But that's not the biggest part.
So what is the biggest part? My health. As most people know, I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. PCOS can be caused by weight gain. Notice that I said can, many women with PCOS are lean and do not have the issues with weight that others do. I'm 99.9% sure that my PCOS is weight related since losing the 50+ lbs I've lost has alleviated some of the symptoms of it. My family has a history of high cholesterol, which can be weight related, type II diabetes, heart disease, cancer (some may be weight related), and other dietary related or weight related health issues. I want to lose weight so I can say that I did everything I could to avoid those issues.
I want to be healthy, I don't want to not be able to walk up several flights of stairs to get to class, I don't want to be the "fat nurse" who tells people to lose weight. I want to practice what I preach. I don't want to give anyone an excuse to not trust my advice and information.
I want to look back at who I used to be, a 275 lb insecure mess of a woman, and know that I never have to be that again. I want to look back at pictures and be inspired by how much weight I lost, and to inspire others to do the same. I want to be in the best shape of my life so I can really get out and enjoy things. Sure, I want to look "hot" and be attractive to men, but that is in no way the biggest reason for my losing weight. I'm disgusted that a brand that tries so hard to appeal to women would post such an obviously sexist ad that basically implies that women only exist to attract men.
I am a strong, independent woman. I don't need a man in my life to be successful, I can do it on my own. The only man in my life right now that I need (outside of my family) is my personal trainer. And I only need him for the next 5 weeks! I have 55-70 lbs to go and I'm losing it for me. Sure, I want the guys who've rejected me in the past to look at me and go "well..damn." but that's not the big reason. The big reason is to be healthy, to avoid weight related health issues, and to finally feel good about myself. The kind of man I want isn't the kind that only looks at my physical attractiveness anyway. I have a lot more to offer than that.
They don't even have a spot for "health." Seriously, Slimfast?
Saturday, August 17, 2013
The Depression Returns
Awesome. Ever feel like you've screwed up your whole life and that you're all alone in it? Yeah. That's about where I am right now. I was doing SO well. I was dropping the weight, living on my own, having a great time with my friends, and then BAM! Crash. Right when school's about to start, which is always perfect timing.
Don't get me wrong. I don't miss being married, I don't miss all of the crap that I've dealt with. I miss knowing what my future held. I miss the security, I miss knowing that my bills will all be paid on time, or at least that they should be.
I'm scared my friends want nothing to do with me. I feel like no matter what I do, I'm not wanted, that it's pity that keeps me around. I know I'm probably just imagining things, that it's my own inner insecurities coming out. I'm tired of sitting alone every day. Yeah. I thrive on solitude, but not constant solitude. I feel like my going out of town constantly this summer is adding to it. I hardly have a weekend in town, and when I do, either nobody's available to hang out or they already had plans that don't include me. I know I can't expect people to wait around for me to be available, I just wish I was here more.
I love my family so much, love spending time with them, but I'm exhausted. Driving 9 hours is draining, especially by myself. I get home and I'm tired. I don't begrudge my family any of the time I spend with them. At all. I'm just tired. And I miss having a life. School starting will make my life even more hectic, and I'll have even less time. I was looking forward to one last "hurrah" before school started, but it's not going to happen. I'll start school, and back up to my family (again, not begrudging them...I'm excited about the reason...just, as I said, tired), then bringing Aunt Leen back with me for a visit, then my mom and brother will be here for a visit. These visits will do me well. I won't be alone at night bored out of my mind and overthinking everything. I love and miss my family so much and sometimes wish I'd left sooner so I could have applied to schools up there and just moved home. My world is so split right now. I want to be with my family more than anything, but I want to get through school and enjoy my time with my friends while I can.
I think about everything too much. I overanalyze, I see issues that probably don't actually exist. And then I get depressed and clam up. Even when my meds work completely, I still have that twinge of fear that I'm not wanted. That I'm not good enough. Combine my fear that nobody wants anything to do with me to my fear that I'm going to do terribly with school and I'm an emotional mess. I need to make an appointment with my doctor, but I don't have time. I'm not home enough and I can't afford the gas to get to him anyway. I calculated it all up and this summer I spent 4 days in the car and over a month away from home. That's a lot of driving. I'm glad that I got all of the time with my family and with a few friends who mean the world to me. I just can't afford to do it anymore. I'm on a really tight budget between my apartment, gas, and food, and sometimes I don't have any money for food and end up either eating crap or not eating at all. That's another thing that'll be easier when school starts-at least I can grab staples at school with my flex money.
But right now, it's hard. I'm learning to rely on myself more, but I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm going to screw everything up again. That I'm yet again going to push away friends or make them not want to be around me, that I'm going to alienate my family, and that I'm going to screw up with school. I'm trying to lower the stress level in my life so much that I think the attempts to lower it are stressing me out even more. I need to get back to writing. It's the one thing that consistently makes me feel better.
I'm scared to ever give a man my heart again. Scared to trust anyone and scared to even try. In my experience, caring about someone causes pain and it's so much easier to NOT put myself out there and deal with being alone by "choice" than to try and experience the same heartaches over and over again. On the same note, I'm worried that I'll go for the wrong guy again. I have ideas of what I'm looking for in someone, pretty static ideas that I don't intend to move away from, but what if the man I want doesn't exist? What if I'm aiming too high? My only big criteria are someone I find physically attractive, someone smart, and someone who treats me well. Someone who doesn't act like everything I do is wrong and that I'm the biggest bitch in the world. Someone who accepts me for who I am. What if that doesn't exist?
My binging came back with a vengeance since I got home. I'm trying so hard to get to normal eating but I don't think I'm capable of it. My eating is either bingeing or not eating. There's no happy medium. If I eat around 1500 calories, no matter what it is, I feel hungry and the need to eat more. If I eat around 700 calories, I'm full and don't want to eat more, so I have to force myself to but almost never get there. Going to the gym helps keep my weight stable, but I'm nowhere near where I intended to be at this point. I'm so tired of being in the 200+ lb range. Yeah. I'm proud because my scrubs are significantly smaller than the last set I bought. I'm proud that my pant size is at least 3 sizes smaller than I started, if not more (not sure because my pants were tight when I started and I was probably in a larger size than I was wearing). I'm proud of the almost 50 lbs I've lost. But I'm not proud of the fact that I can't control my eating. I'm not proud of the fact that I haven't lost a single pound yet this month. I'm not proud of the fact that I could have been at my goal weight by now if I'd just tried harder when I started trying. I'm not proud of the fact that I have almost self-imposed plateaus. I'm not proud of my apparent lack of self control. I want to be a healthy weight. I want to have the body I always dreamed of.
I want to finally see a 1 in the front of my weight again instead of a 2. I'm hoping that getting back to school and having something to do 4 days a week will help. More than anything I hope this. I want to get to about 190 lbs by Christmas. I need to get to that point to feel good about my progress. It's only 40 lbs, totally doable, but I have to stick to it. I was hoping to have a bikini body by Spring Break in March, but now I'm scared that it won't happen. I want to get everything I want, everything I've been told I deserve, even if I don't believe it. I don't believe compliments, I only see flaws and assume that anyone complimenting me is just being nice. I want to get into a mindset where I believe nice things about myself.
I want to trust people again. To not think that everyone is going to stab me in the back. I'm so tired of crying, so tired of being sad, and so tired of over thinking. I want to be the me I was when I was 14, the me who was confident that she'd be able to do it all without a man. The me who was healthy.
I love all of my friends and that's why it hurts so badly when my brain tries to convince me that they don't feel the same way. I miss feeling wanted.
Don't get me wrong. I don't miss being married, I don't miss all of the crap that I've dealt with. I miss knowing what my future held. I miss the security, I miss knowing that my bills will all be paid on time, or at least that they should be.
I'm scared my friends want nothing to do with me. I feel like no matter what I do, I'm not wanted, that it's pity that keeps me around. I know I'm probably just imagining things, that it's my own inner insecurities coming out. I'm tired of sitting alone every day. Yeah. I thrive on solitude, but not constant solitude. I feel like my going out of town constantly this summer is adding to it. I hardly have a weekend in town, and when I do, either nobody's available to hang out or they already had plans that don't include me. I know I can't expect people to wait around for me to be available, I just wish I was here more.
I love my family so much, love spending time with them, but I'm exhausted. Driving 9 hours is draining, especially by myself. I get home and I'm tired. I don't begrudge my family any of the time I spend with them. At all. I'm just tired. And I miss having a life. School starting will make my life even more hectic, and I'll have even less time. I was looking forward to one last "hurrah" before school started, but it's not going to happen. I'll start school, and back up to my family (again, not begrudging them...I'm excited about the reason...just, as I said, tired), then bringing Aunt Leen back with me for a visit, then my mom and brother will be here for a visit. These visits will do me well. I won't be alone at night bored out of my mind and overthinking everything. I love and miss my family so much and sometimes wish I'd left sooner so I could have applied to schools up there and just moved home. My world is so split right now. I want to be with my family more than anything, but I want to get through school and enjoy my time with my friends while I can.
I think about everything too much. I overanalyze, I see issues that probably don't actually exist. And then I get depressed and clam up. Even when my meds work completely, I still have that twinge of fear that I'm not wanted. That I'm not good enough. Combine my fear that nobody wants anything to do with me to my fear that I'm going to do terribly with school and I'm an emotional mess. I need to make an appointment with my doctor, but I don't have time. I'm not home enough and I can't afford the gas to get to him anyway. I calculated it all up and this summer I spent 4 days in the car and over a month away from home. That's a lot of driving. I'm glad that I got all of the time with my family and with a few friends who mean the world to me. I just can't afford to do it anymore. I'm on a really tight budget between my apartment, gas, and food, and sometimes I don't have any money for food and end up either eating crap or not eating at all. That's another thing that'll be easier when school starts-at least I can grab staples at school with my flex money.
But right now, it's hard. I'm learning to rely on myself more, but I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm going to screw everything up again. That I'm yet again going to push away friends or make them not want to be around me, that I'm going to alienate my family, and that I'm going to screw up with school. I'm trying to lower the stress level in my life so much that I think the attempts to lower it are stressing me out even more. I need to get back to writing. It's the one thing that consistently makes me feel better.
I'm scared to ever give a man my heart again. Scared to trust anyone and scared to even try. In my experience, caring about someone causes pain and it's so much easier to NOT put myself out there and deal with being alone by "choice" than to try and experience the same heartaches over and over again. On the same note, I'm worried that I'll go for the wrong guy again. I have ideas of what I'm looking for in someone, pretty static ideas that I don't intend to move away from, but what if the man I want doesn't exist? What if I'm aiming too high? My only big criteria are someone I find physically attractive, someone smart, and someone who treats me well. Someone who doesn't act like everything I do is wrong and that I'm the biggest bitch in the world. Someone who accepts me for who I am. What if that doesn't exist?
My binging came back with a vengeance since I got home. I'm trying so hard to get to normal eating but I don't think I'm capable of it. My eating is either bingeing or not eating. There's no happy medium. If I eat around 1500 calories, no matter what it is, I feel hungry and the need to eat more. If I eat around 700 calories, I'm full and don't want to eat more, so I have to force myself to but almost never get there. Going to the gym helps keep my weight stable, but I'm nowhere near where I intended to be at this point. I'm so tired of being in the 200+ lb range. Yeah. I'm proud because my scrubs are significantly smaller than the last set I bought. I'm proud that my pant size is at least 3 sizes smaller than I started, if not more (not sure because my pants were tight when I started and I was probably in a larger size than I was wearing). I'm proud of the almost 50 lbs I've lost. But I'm not proud of the fact that I can't control my eating. I'm not proud of the fact that I haven't lost a single pound yet this month. I'm not proud of the fact that I could have been at my goal weight by now if I'd just tried harder when I started trying. I'm not proud of the fact that I have almost self-imposed plateaus. I'm not proud of my apparent lack of self control. I want to be a healthy weight. I want to have the body I always dreamed of.
I want to finally see a 1 in the front of my weight again instead of a 2. I'm hoping that getting back to school and having something to do 4 days a week will help. More than anything I hope this. I want to get to about 190 lbs by Christmas. I need to get to that point to feel good about my progress. It's only 40 lbs, totally doable, but I have to stick to it. I was hoping to have a bikini body by Spring Break in March, but now I'm scared that it won't happen. I want to get everything I want, everything I've been told I deserve, even if I don't believe it. I don't believe compliments, I only see flaws and assume that anyone complimenting me is just being nice. I want to get into a mindset where I believe nice things about myself.
I want to trust people again. To not think that everyone is going to stab me in the back. I'm so tired of crying, so tired of being sad, and so tired of over thinking. I want to be the me I was when I was 14, the me who was confident that she'd be able to do it all without a man. The me who was healthy.
I love all of my friends and that's why it hurts so badly when my brain tries to convince me that they don't feel the same way. I miss feeling wanted.
Friday, July 19, 2013
"It's Just Not Your Body Type"
My whole life, I've been convinced that I can never be thin, never have the body that I want, because I'm just "not meant to be that way," I "don't have that body type." Yes, I was at a normal weight in high school and had very muscular legs, but my arms were weak and my abs sucked. I had zero flexibility (still don't-working on that) and, while I loved playing soccer, I wasn't exactly the most athletic. Sure, I could run a mile, but it was slow. Most of my skill was in the power of my strong legs, I ignored the rest of my body. So I always felt pudgy, no matter how thin I was. I still had stomach fat, and I was still self conscious. Instead of working on it, going running more instead of only when I had to, instead of doing situps and pushups or other arm exercises, I just told myself that I just wasn't built to be thin, I would always have a bit of a gut and would never be able to do a pushup or pull-up. I'd never have a truly flat stomach and one of those bikini bodies that women would KILL for.
Now, I can do over 20 pushups, the modified kind, but still way more than I could do before. I'm working on getting myself out of the mindset that I'll never have the body I want, that I'll have to settle for just being a normal weight. But that's not what I want. No, I don't want to be skin and bones, I don't want you to be able to count my individual ribs, I don't care if my collar bones are visible, I want to be fit. I want to be that hot girl that others look at in envy instead of the chubby girl who looks on at them. I want to put on a bikini and look in the mirror and know that I look damn good. To wear the clothes that I want to wear instead of what's left on the rack that fits and doesn't look terrible. To have legs that can fit into riding boots. So many appearance related things that I want, but I also want to be fit. I want to be able to just run up a flight of stairs if I'm late to class, or to be able to lift that 250 lb patient without injuring myself. I want to be able to stand for hours without feeling like my feet are going to fall off. I want to wear heels again and not have my feet hurt within minutes of trying to hold up my large frame.
I want to be healthy, of course. I just want to be the hot girl for once instead of the one who sits in the corner with her hands over her stomach wishing she was someone else. I want to have the confidence to tell people how I feel, to be able to just pop up and be the life of the party. I don't have that right now. Every time I think about myself even talking to other people I picture some bumbling idiot. I freak out that I've said or done the wrong thing constantly, something that I can't help but feel would be more accepted in a thinner person. I want to feel like doing my hair and makeup is worth it again, I want to WANT to be noticed instead of wanting to be invisible. I know that a lot of the confidence has to come from within, but it's hard for me to not only be shy but to be overweight at the same time.
I have 2 lbs to go until I'm under 230 lbs for the first time since 2007. I want that two pounds gone YESTERDAY. I wish I'd been more motivated and more committed before. Yes, I lost 45 lbs over the last year, that's great, but I know I could have done better. If I hadn't been so depressed all the time I might not have binged (I'm over a week binge free right now and super happy about it). Now I have to get the motivation to add exercise back in. I do a bit of weight lifting, but I need to add in cardio. I want this weight to come off more quickly. I want to be my best by next summer, to be able to just wear shorts again and know I look good. This is my goal, and I am going to do it.
First mini goal? Wedding day weight- 212-215. I want to achieve this goal by September at the latest, preferably mid-August. I know I can do it. I just have to remind myself of that. I've started writing by hand in a personal journal, writing things that I just can't share on here. It's helping, I think. I got a lot of things out last night so I'm hoping to continue doing that as well as sharing with all of you <3
Now, I can do over 20 pushups, the modified kind, but still way more than I could do before. I'm working on getting myself out of the mindset that I'll never have the body I want, that I'll have to settle for just being a normal weight. But that's not what I want. No, I don't want to be skin and bones, I don't want you to be able to count my individual ribs, I don't care if my collar bones are visible, I want to be fit. I want to be that hot girl that others look at in envy instead of the chubby girl who looks on at them. I want to put on a bikini and look in the mirror and know that I look damn good. To wear the clothes that I want to wear instead of what's left on the rack that fits and doesn't look terrible. To have legs that can fit into riding boots. So many appearance related things that I want, but I also want to be fit. I want to be able to just run up a flight of stairs if I'm late to class, or to be able to lift that 250 lb patient without injuring myself. I want to be able to stand for hours without feeling like my feet are going to fall off. I want to wear heels again and not have my feet hurt within minutes of trying to hold up my large frame.
I want to be healthy, of course. I just want to be the hot girl for once instead of the one who sits in the corner with her hands over her stomach wishing she was someone else. I want to have the confidence to tell people how I feel, to be able to just pop up and be the life of the party. I don't have that right now. Every time I think about myself even talking to other people I picture some bumbling idiot. I freak out that I've said or done the wrong thing constantly, something that I can't help but feel would be more accepted in a thinner person. I want to feel like doing my hair and makeup is worth it again, I want to WANT to be noticed instead of wanting to be invisible. I know that a lot of the confidence has to come from within, but it's hard for me to not only be shy but to be overweight at the same time.
I have 2 lbs to go until I'm under 230 lbs for the first time since 2007. I want that two pounds gone YESTERDAY. I wish I'd been more motivated and more committed before. Yes, I lost 45 lbs over the last year, that's great, but I know I could have done better. If I hadn't been so depressed all the time I might not have binged (I'm over a week binge free right now and super happy about it). Now I have to get the motivation to add exercise back in. I do a bit of weight lifting, but I need to add in cardio. I want this weight to come off more quickly. I want to be my best by next summer, to be able to just wear shorts again and know I look good. This is my goal, and I am going to do it.
First mini goal? Wedding day weight- 212-215. I want to achieve this goal by September at the latest, preferably mid-August. I know I can do it. I just have to remind myself of that. I've started writing by hand in a personal journal, writing things that I just can't share on here. It's helping, I think. I got a lot of things out last night so I'm hoping to continue doing that as well as sharing with all of you <3
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Oh Yeah, I Have a Blog
Apparently I've been slacking. You'd think that'd be a good thing, but honestly I'm kind of drowning right now. I moved out on my own into a 2 bedroom townhouse about 3 miles from school. That part? Awesome. I'm less than 5 miles from Autumn and Laura and about 20 minutes from Danielle and little man.
Lots of people warned me that I'd be lonely living alone. And sometimes I am, sometimes I miss having someone to talk to every night. This is one of the AMAZING things about being an introvert-I thrive in an environment where I get time to myself. I don't have an issue being alone because being in huge crowds makes me nervous. All of my energy comes from solitude-reading a book and just relaxing. I can be myself when I'm alone, nobody can judge. I can crank up the radio and sing along or dance, there's nobody watching.
So, if living alone isn't the problem, what is? My confidence. I thought I had it all under control, that I was finally confident in who I am and who I want to be. But I'm not. Not by a long shot. I'm still 80 lbs over my low goal weight and 70 over my high goal weight-about 150-160 is my goal. My weight seems to define me right now and I get disgusted when I overeat. Sometimes, I don't eat. I wish I could say that it's always unintentional, and most of the time it is, but sometimes I thrive on having that self control. It's something I've always lacked. You see, I have a binge eating disorder, have for a long time, and have never managed to control it. Finally, now, I have the self control to not eat and a part of me wishes I could never eat again. Unlike most addicts (and this is a true addiction), I can't just quit the thing that I am addicted to. I can't walk away from it and never touch it again, you have to eat. Sure, I can walk away from the unhealthy food in theory, but sometimes people have no say over where they eat-whether it be because other people take them out or because someone cooks it in their home and it's rude to not eat someone's cooking, no matter how bad it is for you.
So you can see why going a day, two days, three days, as long as possible without eating is appealing. Breaking that addiction, learning to recognize being full, not bingeing. It's just not practical. Yes, there's the "starvation mode" myth, where your body will "totally hold onto fat and get rid of your muscle," but it's just not true. The other myth is that if you eat less than 1200 calories as a woman or 1500 as a man, your metabolism will slow. There's no scientific evidence of these magic numbers-for some people it may be no less than 2000, for others they may not have a number that they have to eat to have their metabolism go down. When I don't eat, I lose weight like crazy. I didn't eat much the past 5 days and lost 7 lbs, no magic number there and it wasn't intentional, it just happened, and it's dangerous. Seeing all of that weight come off so quickly makes me want to not eat longer, to see how many pounds I could lose if I didn't eat much for a week, a month, two months. Some days I just don't think about eating and it's amazing. Not having my life run by food for the first time in years. But at the same time, it's not healthy. I know this. But it doesn't stop the urge to try.
I need to learn to stop putting all of my self worth on my weight. I know that underneath all of the fat is a beautiful person just waiting to come out, but will losing the weight be enough? Doubtful. I was thin once and STILL had no confidence. I'm awkward, I talk too much, I'm annoying, all of these things I've been told over the years weigh on me and hold me back from being who I can be. I over think things, overanalyze, obsess even, and I don't know how to stop. I'm always trying to figure out what I did wrong, even if there's no evidence that I did anything wrong. In my mind, things could have been better if I'd just done _____. It doesn't matter if I did something amazing, like when I got my acceptance letters for nursing school, I wished that I'd applied for a Bachelor's program because this would ONLY be an Associate's. Or I wished I'd applied to PA schools or even med school because things might have been better if I had. I couldn't just sit back and go "holy shit, I got into one of the hardest undergrad programs in the nation to get into (nursing in general)." I had to find SOMETHING wrong with it. I don't know why I do this and I don't know how to stop. I think I'm so afraid of failure that I lead myself to it because if I don't try, I can't fail. At the same time, I'm afraid of success because if I succeed it means I did something right, and I feel like I never do anything right.
I try the "fake it til you make it" approach to confidence and it's great, in theory. I can talk a big game about how awesome I am, how laid back, how much fun I can be, but when it comes down to it my nerves and insecurities get in the way. I can't just sit back and relax, there's always something running through my mind that I should be doing instead, or how to do what I'm doing better. My brain never shuts off and I'm ready to cry because I just can't handle it sometimes. There's so many negative things I think about myself on a daily basis and only rarely do the positives come in. Sure, I say them. I tell people that I'm awesome, but it's all a show. I figure if I pretend to be confident it'll make people think that I am, but on the inside I'm miserable and thinking of how my thigh is currently the same circumference that my waist was in high school or how my double chin shows up in pictures. For every "selfie" I post on Facebook there's about 15 others that I didn't post because I was trying to get it perfect, make my face look as appealing and thin as possible and to avoid having my arms in the picture because they are a source of insecurity.
Now my question is, how do I stop faking and start believing? It feels like all around me everyone is confident and I'm just sitting here only seeing the bad in myself. It sucks.
Lots of people warned me that I'd be lonely living alone. And sometimes I am, sometimes I miss having someone to talk to every night. This is one of the AMAZING things about being an introvert-I thrive in an environment where I get time to myself. I don't have an issue being alone because being in huge crowds makes me nervous. All of my energy comes from solitude-reading a book and just relaxing. I can be myself when I'm alone, nobody can judge. I can crank up the radio and sing along or dance, there's nobody watching.
So, if living alone isn't the problem, what is? My confidence. I thought I had it all under control, that I was finally confident in who I am and who I want to be. But I'm not. Not by a long shot. I'm still 80 lbs over my low goal weight and 70 over my high goal weight-about 150-160 is my goal. My weight seems to define me right now and I get disgusted when I overeat. Sometimes, I don't eat. I wish I could say that it's always unintentional, and most of the time it is, but sometimes I thrive on having that self control. It's something I've always lacked. You see, I have a binge eating disorder, have for a long time, and have never managed to control it. Finally, now, I have the self control to not eat and a part of me wishes I could never eat again. Unlike most addicts (and this is a true addiction), I can't just quit the thing that I am addicted to. I can't walk away from it and never touch it again, you have to eat. Sure, I can walk away from the unhealthy food in theory, but sometimes people have no say over where they eat-whether it be because other people take them out or because someone cooks it in their home and it's rude to not eat someone's cooking, no matter how bad it is for you.
So you can see why going a day, two days, three days, as long as possible without eating is appealing. Breaking that addiction, learning to recognize being full, not bingeing. It's just not practical. Yes, there's the "starvation mode" myth, where your body will "totally hold onto fat and get rid of your muscle," but it's just not true. The other myth is that if you eat less than 1200 calories as a woman or 1500 as a man, your metabolism will slow. There's no scientific evidence of these magic numbers-for some people it may be no less than 2000, for others they may not have a number that they have to eat to have their metabolism go down. When I don't eat, I lose weight like crazy. I didn't eat much the past 5 days and lost 7 lbs, no magic number there and it wasn't intentional, it just happened, and it's dangerous. Seeing all of that weight come off so quickly makes me want to not eat longer, to see how many pounds I could lose if I didn't eat much for a week, a month, two months. Some days I just don't think about eating and it's amazing. Not having my life run by food for the first time in years. But at the same time, it's not healthy. I know this. But it doesn't stop the urge to try.
I need to learn to stop putting all of my self worth on my weight. I know that underneath all of the fat is a beautiful person just waiting to come out, but will losing the weight be enough? Doubtful. I was thin once and STILL had no confidence. I'm awkward, I talk too much, I'm annoying, all of these things I've been told over the years weigh on me and hold me back from being who I can be. I over think things, overanalyze, obsess even, and I don't know how to stop. I'm always trying to figure out what I did wrong, even if there's no evidence that I did anything wrong. In my mind, things could have been better if I'd just done _____. It doesn't matter if I did something amazing, like when I got my acceptance letters for nursing school, I wished that I'd applied for a Bachelor's program because this would ONLY be an Associate's. Or I wished I'd applied to PA schools or even med school because things might have been better if I had. I couldn't just sit back and go "holy shit, I got into one of the hardest undergrad programs in the nation to get into (nursing in general)." I had to find SOMETHING wrong with it. I don't know why I do this and I don't know how to stop. I think I'm so afraid of failure that I lead myself to it because if I don't try, I can't fail. At the same time, I'm afraid of success because if I succeed it means I did something right, and I feel like I never do anything right.
I try the "fake it til you make it" approach to confidence and it's great, in theory. I can talk a big game about how awesome I am, how laid back, how much fun I can be, but when it comes down to it my nerves and insecurities get in the way. I can't just sit back and relax, there's always something running through my mind that I should be doing instead, or how to do what I'm doing better. My brain never shuts off and I'm ready to cry because I just can't handle it sometimes. There's so many negative things I think about myself on a daily basis and only rarely do the positives come in. Sure, I say them. I tell people that I'm awesome, but it's all a show. I figure if I pretend to be confident it'll make people think that I am, but on the inside I'm miserable and thinking of how my thigh is currently the same circumference that my waist was in high school or how my double chin shows up in pictures. For every "selfie" I post on Facebook there's about 15 others that I didn't post because I was trying to get it perfect, make my face look as appealing and thin as possible and to avoid having my arms in the picture because they are a source of insecurity.
Now my question is, how do I stop faking and start believing? It feels like all around me everyone is confident and I'm just sitting here only seeing the bad in myself. It sucks.
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